Music | Photography | Writing

I Want More

“I prefer to distinguish ADD as attention abundance disorder. Everything is just so interesting . . . remarkably at the same time.” — Frank Coppola, MA, ODC, ACG

I like that — attention abundance disorder. If you haven’t noticed by now, my interests are endless. I like to define myself as a chronically-curious person. EVERYTHING is just so dang interesting!

This makes it very difficult to keep my focus in one spot for very long. I think it’s why I like to write. It gives me a legitimate excuse to research and then go write about whatever catches my attention or inhabits my imaginary world. However, this makes it very difficult to finish a full-length book. I need to find a way to trick my mind into believing I am actually on to something new every few days.

There are some consistent things that I have always wanted in my life. When my life changed, my manner of attaining those things also needed to change. I struggle to find my wild oasis, my sense of solitude, the peace of nature. I struggle with what my heart wants and needs but is afraid to open up to.

I commented on a Theodora Goss’s post “A Sense of Longing” that for me, longing at times lodges in the pit of my stomach like an intense hunger, that I’m just pacing, like a caged animal looking for release.

I think there are different degrees of longing. There is the commonly present feeling that something is missing, and maybe you try to fill that hole with food, some form of spirituality, or a shopping trip. That kind of longing might mean I gain a few pounds or meditate every morning, but it doesn’t lead to feelings of insanity.

To attain insanity, there is another kind of longing, which feels like something grabbing and tearing out my heart. Or like being punched in the stomach by Andre the Giant.

That sort of longing brings with it such a strong desire to move that my muscles visibly twitch. My body screams “Something is not right!” I am a coiled spring, tensed on my chair, trying to focus on the work at hand, while my brain insists that I really need to spring into action RIGHT NOW!

I’m trying to figure out how to make this life work! My mind and how I see things has to be my saving grace. But I simply…

Want More
I want hand-holding walks
Elbow-grasps over ice
Couch cuddling
Beers on the deck
I want an oasis
That we’ve created
Gardens for food
Seasoning 
A nose and eye delight

An apple tree
I want an apple tree
Maples
Dogwoods
Burning bush
Lilacs
Whatever it takes
To block out the burbs
I want rocks
Big and small
River rock for agate hunting
Pretend shoreline
A pond
Cascading water
That takes me
Away from
“Sally, put your bike away!”
BOOM! BA! BOOM! BOOM!
VRRRMMM-CLANK-RATTLE-VRRMMMM!
I want roadtrips
Camping
European explorations
Trail rides
Hikes
Pentax moments
I want to do yoga
Meditation
Something to
Quiet my mind
To stop 
quivering
Feeling that
I’m not where 
I’m supposed to be
Not doing
What I was born to do
And I need
To let it be
I need
To be still
I want to be
And to be with
A playful soul
To share
Sillyness and laughter
An appreciative eye
Deep talks
Big dreams
Not expensive dreams
But expansive dreams
I want time for
Quiet reading
In front of a fire
On a deck
Woud you, could you
On a rock?
Steaming drinks
Coffee
Tea 
Hot chocolate
With all natural
Whip cream
I want gentle massage
Evident love
Time to reflect
And create
I want wine and cheese
I want to cook
And bake
Gather for
Dinner
Movies
Bonfires
Games
I want slow
Easy
Still 
Times

Interspersed with 
Let loose
Dance 
And sing 
Times

Variety
Laughter
Adventure
Along with comfort
And love
That’s what I want
Is it too much?
What do you want?

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10 Comments

  1. Would love to see you write a poetry book accompanied by your great photos. This poem would be perfect!

    Or….

    A book of short stories encompassing all your many interests/thoughts.

  2. That’s a lot of wanting, beautifully expressed. May you find a way get all that you want. 🙂

    Me, I want…hmmm. I want a life with enough laughter in it to smooth out the rough edges.

  3. You give voice to the human condition…and you do it so beautifully. For me, I guess I want to learn to be fully cognizant of all the joy in my life…so much of which you write. I want good things to come your way and peace to settle in your heart. I want you to find your ‘home’ and to feel you are in the right place. 🙂

  4. Another great post of your wonderful writing interspersed with your cool pix– love!
    I prefer “I enjoy” or “I love” to “I want”. There is a spiritual was of thinking that says the universe is like a big mirror, and sends you back exactly what you put out there. So if you’re constantly focusing on “i want”, the universe will just go– “Yep, you do”, and sustain your state of *lack*. If you reframe it a bit to what you love, and come from a standpoint of I enjoy these things, and have all I need, and am completely open to the unlimited flow of this into my life– and even out of my life because I know more will always be flowing in— you’ll experience more abundance.
    Just a something I read about that kind of struck a cord. 🙂

  5. This my girl may just be the best thing yet. The read was wonderful and the pictures are great!!!

    Yep, my list is long. A girl has to have dreams ya know and when your spastic to say the least…well…ya know! Heeehehe!

    God bless and have an amazin’ day sweetie!!!

  6. Sally – Yes, the thought has occurred to me that I have more current material that is burning a hole in my pocket so to speak.

    Linda – That is what it basically comes down to, being able to see the humor in things and if you’re a writer, being thankful for all the great material life keeps throwing your way.

    Kathleen – Thanks for sending good wishes my way. We need another good laughathon.

    Sue – Good point. Something I read said to focus on the feeling you are trying to obtain because even if you can’t have exactly what you want or love (like living on a farm), you can find doable stuff to have the feeling that thing gives you – which is the breathability and peace. I’m even looking for a recording of froggy pond noises to soothe me.

    Lori – Thanks. I sure hope the photography gets to be another educational and expressive adventure.

    Nezzy – Thanks. You have an amazing day too!

  7. Oh my goodness, Maery. This post spoke to me. All of those things sound perfect to me.
    Your photos were wonderful, too and shared your desires and dreams.

    You are a beautiful, vibrant, creative, spirited, fun-loving, adventurous, sexy, sensitive, strong and deep thinking soul.

    Thank you for sharing some of you with us.

    xoxo
    ~Lisa

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