I Told You What I Want!

Each morning puts a man on trial and each evening passes judgment. -Roy L. Smith

I’ve been screwing up a lot lately – in my thoughts, words, and actions. I didn’t use the word “deeds” as it sounded very much like a Catholic confession.

I’d like to be a certain unchangeable person on the inside, no matter what is happening on the outside. Fear, lack of sleep, not eating right, and stress are all playing a part, but like I said, I want to be unflappable. Or at least not show so much on the outside. I want to be able to find that calm place inside to go to when chaos hits. I want to have a piece of me that is secure in the knowledge that no matter how things look, I can handle it — it’s going to be okay.

I don’t know how to get to this standard of existance. No matter what I try – physical activity, getting out in nature, meditation, prayer, soak in a hot tub with a glass of wine, etc., I am still screwing up in ways that make me cringe.

But on the positive side, after 12 days of trying to get agreement on the second house I found, I have a signed purchase agreement and an inspection scheduled. Things are moving forward and I am hugely relieved to not be worrying about where I’m going in 4 weeks.

There are plenty of other worries. The whole process of selling and buying a house and moving is expensive. And to top it off, I went in a for a standard service on my car and it turned out I need 4 new wheels!

With an already strangled budget, new tires certainly were not in the plan. Since the steel cords are showing on the front tires and the back tires are at minimum tread, it’s not something I can put off.

The dealer only had two tires in stock so it only cost me $300. Yikes! The special little Mini Cooper tires are expensive! I may shop around for the other two tires, but in my online searches, I won’t save on the tire itself. Maybe find a deal on labor?

Oh, and truck tabs are due and they don’t take charge cards. What’s up with that?!

The one funny thing, maybe funny isn’t the right word, that has come out of this period in my life is that I have learned to yell at people. I have screamed into my phone to “Make it happen! Now!” “Get it done!” “Do you hear that fricken BEEP BEEP BEEP!” “You said what!” “I don’t need to think about it! I told you what I want!”

Well, you get the idea. This is definitely not meek Maery behavior.

Okay, so I need to become a little more professional and eloquent at expressing myself. I need to be assertive, not a raving lunatic. But maybe you have to go from one extreme to another to find the right place in the middle. Maybe I will discover how to voice my desires and needs and feelings and hurts in a healthy way by the end of all this.


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  1. Hi Maery, Ok this second house..is this the one with the reluctant owners..I hope so as it sounded like a place that you really wanted. I hope it all goes smoothly. I can tell you that up here apprasials are coming in way lower than selling prices…in some cases 5 to 15 thousand dollars. Our daughters new place appraised for 8 thousand less than they offered, and that was after the seller dropped the price by 5 thousand..it is crazy out there.
    Be assertive Maery..you know what you want..so hang in there:)

  2. You go girl. Sometimes we all have to be more assertive. I think it’s tougher to do for us women. We were raised to be polite and sweet and nice….not tough and assertive.

    But those traits, sometimes only go so far. Yay for you!


  3. Congrats on the house. Can’t wait to hear more about it.

    I used to be a raving lunatic, too. My boss is mr. congeniality and has taught me how to temper it a bit. Every now and then the “old” me slips out – like when someone pulls in front of me at the diesel pump when they can clearly see I am pulling a 24 ft. trailer & trying to manuever it to get to THAT pump – but I digress….

  4. Far Side – Yes, this is the one I really wanted. Just the right size and style for me. Floor to ceiling bookcase in living room totally got me, and kitchen, dining and living rooms that are all open to each other. The appraisals are worrisome but keeping my fingers crossed.

    Lisa – It’s a pretty new thing for me to stand my ground on anything. Hopefully, I’ll get better with practice.

    Tammy – Who could blame you for losing your cool at gas station? Another one is people cutting in front of you when you are pulling a horse trailer, forcing you to brake suddenly. One of my horses ended up with a gash on his face from that.

  5. Sorry, but I was sort of giggling at your “outbursts”. I find being all gangster when no one can really hear me therapeutic. “Where’s MY green light BITCHES??!”
    Then I actually wind-up laughing at my over the top self, and can rein it in for society at large. 😉
    So glad to hear about the house!! Updates and pics soon I hope!

  6. Congratulations on signing your contract for a new house! You know, sometimes a little outburst is what we all need. I hope the closing process goes smoothly for you.

  7. Sue – I have an inspection on Wednesday so I hope to get some photos then.

    Roxanne – I told the guy I’d be back in August to replace the rear tires. He looked at me like I was insane. Maybe I am but don’t you have to have money before you replace tires?

    Jill – I wish the closing would go smoothly too but it appears it’s going to be a battle with the sellers every step of the way. Guess it’s good that there’s only 3-1/2 weeks left to battle. But bad that time is running out on packing!

    Lynn -I guess my bad self is entertaining from a safe distance.

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