Each morning puts a man on trial and each evening passes judgment. -Roy L. Smith
I’ve been screwing up a lot lately – in my thoughts, words, and actions. I didn’t use the word “deeds” as it sounded very much like a Catholic confession.
I’d like to be a certain unchangeable person on the inside, no matter what is happening on the outside. Fear, lack of sleep, not eating right, and stress are all playing a part, but like I said, I want to be unflappable. Or at least not show so much on the outside. I want to be able to find that calm place inside to go to when chaos hits. I want to have a piece of me that is secure in the knowledge that no matter how things look, I can handle it — it’s going to be okay.
I don’t know how to get to this standard of existance. No matter what I try – physical activity, getting out in nature, meditation, prayer, soak in a hot tub with a glass of wine, etc., I am still screwing up in ways that make me cringe.
But on the positive side, after 12 days of trying to get agreement on the second house I found, I have a signed purchase agreement and an inspection scheduled. Things are moving forward and I am hugely relieved to not be worrying about where I’m going in 4 weeks.
There are plenty of other worries. The whole process of selling and buying a house and moving is expensive. And to top it off, I went in a for a standard service on my car and it turned out I need 4 new wheels!
With an already strangled budget, new tires certainly were not in the plan. Since the steel cords are showing on the front tires and the back tires are at minimum tread, it’s not something I can put off.
The dealer only had two tires in stock so it only cost me $300. Yikes! The special little Mini Cooper tires are expensive! I may shop around for the other two tires, but in my online searches, I won’t save on the tire itself. Maybe find a deal on labor?
Oh, and truck tabs are due and they don’t take charge cards. What’s up with that?!
The one funny thing, maybe funny isn’t the right word, that has come out of this period in my life is that I have learned to yell at people. I have screamed into my phone to “Make it happen! Now!” “Get it done!” “Do you hear that fricken BEEP BEEP BEEP!” “You said what!” “I don’t need to think about it! I told you what I want!”
Well, you get the idea. This is definitely not meek Maery behavior.
Okay, so I need to become a little more professional and eloquent at expressing myself. I need to be assertive, not a raving lunatic. But maybe you have to go from one extreme to another to find the right place in the middle. Maybe I will discover how to voice my desires and needs and feelings and hurts in a healthy way by the end of all this.