Weapons of Mass Destruction

Thanks for the suggestions on my house hunt. Right now, I mainly look at houses and neighborhoods to try and prepare myself for the eventuality of moving; I have no solid plans. My only plan is to keep myself going.

I still can’t believe how wrong my life has gone. Losing love, what I thought was real love, finally, real love — it can’t be.  I’d just been through so much. Things go in cycles. This should have been a good cycle. Really great things were supposed to be starting in my life.

It’s been hard to deal with things crashing down at a point when I thought I’d finally have some relief — when I thought life was going to give me a break, more than I break — I had total awesomeness in mind. So how do I deal with expecting awesomeness and instead receiving weapons of mass destruction?

I don’t know. So I drive through neighborhoods. I look at all types of housing. And I get an idea of what feels okay and what doesn’t. I don’t want to try and find something “close” to being the home and the life I have now. You can’t simply replace something like that, or at least I can’t. I never would have moved here on my own. This house is mainly H’s design and dream, not mine.

The wood floors, the kitchen counter tops, the mud room, and my son’s old bedroom, those felt like mine. And when I say “mine,” I’m not talking about ownership but what felt like an expression of “me”. The barn, pasture, and riding ring, those felt like mine too, but I can have those things wherever I board and hopefully, an indoor arena to boot. Taking care of horses by myself has become harder every year and I’m afraid if I don’t stop doing things that are physically harmful to me, I soon may not have the ability to even lift a saddle.

Anyway, I love being in the country, but it feels more isolated and lonely since I’ve been on my own. I like places with a small town feel. I like older homes – like 1890 to 1970 – I like their uniqueness, wood floors, cozy feel, and porches. This is an unfortunate preference as older homes can have problems with wiring, plumbing, lose a lot of heat because of poor insulation and bad windows, and have leaky basements. But if they’ve been updated…

The suggestion that I rent until I’m more settled into my new way of life is very sensible. It was what I had initially planned to do. But buying a new house feels necessary now, like a parachute, something that will keep me from crashing to the ground after I have to move. I hope it will give me something to focus on, something to try things out on, something to put my personality into, a place to plant and grow something, a place to put down my own rootedness.

Because I am afraid. I don’t feel strong about this. No, I’m feeling pretty weak, like someone has hidden kryptonite in my purse. I’m trying to summon up that kick-ass part of me but I think she pulled a muscle.

But then there is mighty Java. She can kick-ass for both of us, until I regain my super powers.

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8 Comments

  1. Maery Rose…when I found your blog it was your comment about making kick ass coffee that drew me back. I like older homes too, with hardwood floors.
    And agree, that it would be a nice focus for you. Have you had any offers on your house yet? I so glad you have Java…she adds some light to your life everyday. I know what you mean about chores and our bodies. I have just figured out how to do things in a way that is not so stressful. It’s hard to know what to say regarding the way you feel…it’s been a long haul.

  2. Lori – No offers on the house, very few people have even looked at it. I expect things will pick up in the spring.

    I have modified how I do some chores to make it easier but some things, like snow that melts during the day and freezes at night under the sliding barn door so the door is trapped in the ice, I haven’t figured out a non-injuring way to deal with that one.

    As far as what to say, it’s not so much what people say, it’s that I know they are still there that matters. So thank you for all your comments. It’s a big help.

  3. Maery-
    I love hearing you talk about things being easier when you board your horses. All the physical struggle has added to how overwhelming all this has been I think.
    Elk River has a lot of very cute older homes and I LOVE it here. Just a though. 🙂

  4. Oh girl, you don’t know how I am celebrating right now. Why??? I’m one to really read between the lines, I’m funny that way. I’m celebrating you because right in the middle of your ‘weak’ statement ya’ll threw in the humor of kryptonite….that tells me you can see the light!

    The unknown is always scary and can leave ya feelin’ weak and helpless but I’m seeing new life and strength in your writing. Woohoo!!!

    That Jave loves her photo opts doesn’t she? God bless and enjoy your many blessings!

  5. Love the Java photo!

    Just one more idea to toss in the mix. I don’t know how the rental vs. purchase markets compare in your area but… If you’d be financially able to rent (but not buy) a place where your horses could live with you, would that be a good interim option?

    I can feel the unsettledness in your words… I think that it can only get better but I’ve said that before about my life, and been proven wrong. In any case, before you know it, spring will be peeking out, and that helps everything feel more hopeful.

    I’m thinking of you Maery.

  6. Sue – Elk River is definitely on the list of possibilities.

    Nezzy – Thanks for reading between the lines and seeing hope on the horizon. Sometimes you have to squint pretty hard but it’s there.

    KB – You are on my mind too. I learn so much for you on how to move forward and find bits of happiness despite things not quite going to plan.

    Lynn – I love that photo of her with her ears up. She gets pretty wicked whipping that toy around sometimes.

  7. I love that photo of Java! She’s so adorable!

    I would think that renting a place would be less stressful and less of an obligation, at least for a little while. You’d have more freedom, less oppression, some time to travel and not worry about a mortgage and home maintenance, etc.

    But I can understand that you may feel that putting down roots in a new house would help make you feel more secure.
    But a house is not a husband, and maybe you don’t need a house to take the place of a husband either.

    Something to think about….

    ~Lisa

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