Thanks for the suggestions on my house hunt. Right now, I mainly look at houses and neighborhoods to try and prepare myself for the eventuality of moving; I have no solid plans. My only plan is to keep myself going.
I still can’t believe how wrong my life has gone. Losing love, what I thought was real love, finally, real love — it can’t be. I’d just been through so much. Things go in cycles. This should have been a good cycle. Really great things were supposed to be starting in my life.
It’s been hard to deal with things crashing down at a point when I thought I’d finally have some relief — when I thought life was going to give me a break, more than I break — I had total awesomeness in mind. So how do I deal with expecting awesomeness and instead receiving weapons of mass destruction?
I don’t know. So I drive through neighborhoods. I look at all types of housing. And I get an idea of what feels okay and what doesn’t. I don’t want to try and find something “close” to being the home and the life I have now. You can’t simply replace something like that, or at least I can’t. I never would have moved here on my own. This house is mainly H’s design and dream, not mine.
The wood floors, the kitchen counter tops, the mud room, and my son’s old bedroom, those felt like mine. And when I say “mine,” I’m not talking about ownership but what felt like an expression of “me”. The barn, pasture, and riding ring, those felt like mine too, but I can have those things wherever I board and hopefully, an indoor arena to boot. Taking care of horses by myself has become harder every year and I’m afraid if I don’t stop doing things that are physically harmful to me, I soon may not have the ability to even lift a saddle.
Anyway, I love being in the country, but it feels more isolated and lonely since I’ve been on my own. I like places with a small town feel. I like older homes – like 1890 to 1970 – I like their uniqueness, wood floors, cozy feel, and porches. This is an unfortunate preference as older homes can have problems with wiring, plumbing, lose a lot of heat because of poor insulation and bad windows, and have leaky basements. But if they’ve been updated…
The suggestion that I rent until I’m more settled into my new way of life is very sensible. It was what I had initially planned to do. But buying a new house feels necessary now, like a parachute, something that will keep me from crashing to the ground after I have to move. I hope it will give me something to focus on, something to try things out on, something to put my personality into, a place to plant and grow something, a place to put down my own rootedness.
Because I am afraid. I don’t feel strong about this. No, I’m feeling pretty weak, like someone has hidden kryptonite in my purse. I’m trying to summon up that kick-ass part of me but I think she pulled a muscle.
But then there is mighty Java. She can kick-ass for both of us, until I regain my super powers.