Challenges in Many Forms

Our temperatures have been getting into the low 30s this week, with full on sunshine. That’s all well and good except that all that melting snow and puddles turns into ice during the evening, encasing the bottom of my sliding barn door in solid ice. The other morning I couldn’t get the back door to the paddock to break free and didn’t feel like chopping the ice with an ax again so I led the horses individually out the front of the barn, through the door that Murphy is pointing his nose at in the photo below.

The size of that door meant I had to walk in front of the horse because only one of us could fit through the door at a time.

This wasn’t so bad with horse #1, Luke. He was a little worried about walking through a door he’s never gone through before but he didn’t all out panic until I let him loose and he was… GASP!… ALONE in the darkness! (Eery music playing in background)

His running around outside did not bode well when I tried to get a halter on Murphy and lead him out the same door. He definitely wanted to trample me. There was much threatening body language from little old me and backing up halter tugs to avoid being run over. But here I am, alive to tell the story.

This trying to open doors is also difficult because I’m standing on ice trying to push on an immovable object. Do you see the problem with this?

Which is why I was so excited when my Stabilicers arrived from Amazon.

Not only do they help me stay upright on ice, I have discovered that when I’m on the concrete patio, they make a sound very much like tap shoes. I did a very impressive Fred Astaire imitation.

The “Divorce Care” e-mail that I received today seems to be responding to my latest post. It says:

“Your daily life is different now. You no longer have the security and comfort of your old routine and of knowing where you belong. The new lifestyle may feel awkward and uncomfortable. This contributes to your loneliness.”

“Your new lifestyle is unfortunately one that you did not choose to be in. But now that you are here, you do have a say as to how you will respond to your new circumstances. Every moment, you are faced with the choice of how you will act and react to the thoughts in your mind and to the situations that occur. “

‘The choice of how you will act and react to the thoughts in your mind’ – that clump of words hit me like fingernails drawn slowly across a blackboard. My thoughts seem to never stop playing tug-a-war with each other.

  • “I can do this.” versus “I am not going to make it.”
  • “I have such wonderful friends and family” versus “I am going to be alone and miserable for the rest of my life.” 
  • “Maybe I’m on my way to the awesomeness I’ve been waiting for.” versus “Maybe if I time it just right, I can get hit by a garbage truck on the way to the mailbox.”

And the statement of having a choice of how to ‘act and react’. I want to react positively. But it’s hard when you feel beaten to a pulp. Do you get up or just stay down for the count? I have this image in my mind, one eye swollen shut, the other one trying to blink away the blood dripping from the gash on my forehead. And there’s someone on the side of the ring (who has bet against me) screaming “Stay down. Stay down.”

What would Rocky do?

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  1. Your divorce care email must have been such a nice thing to receive! Of course it’s easy for me to say choose that you can make it and how miserable you are going to be is up to you…but no matter what any of us say, it is you who must make the choice. You have to know that you are needed by your son, Java and the ponies. They would definitely NOT be on the side of the ring saying “Stay down.”

    If there was any kind of hope for getting back with H, that would be one thing…but it seems like that is not an option. What kind of value do you place on yourself? Your call.

    As for the melting/ice saga…be careful! All of our horses are used to going through a people door as I sometimes take them out of the front of the indoor that way. If you have a very long lead rope, would the horse being willing to go out first so you don’t get run over? Fortunately we have overhangs in front of the barn door so that is not a problem here. I have never seen that foot’ll have to tell us how it worked. I can see you tap dancing now…

    One day at a time….. You are much stronger than you think!

  2. Lori – With the horses, I just have to get their attention and focus on me before I walk through the door. They listen pretty well to my body language that says “back off buddy!”

    The ice grips seem to work pretty well but it feels weird walking on them when you aren’t on snow or ice.

    I know I’m strong or I would have given up a long time ago, I’m just tired of having to call that strength into play so often. I know people who have struggled though worse crises than my ongoing series of hits, but not as many where you are losing people you care deeply about. Can’t do much about people dying but I won’t be fooled by a smooth exterior again. I didn’t look deep enough. Lesson learned.

  3. Hey grrl. (That was a typo but I’m leaving it because it fits you.) Those boots are kick-ass, but i know– extra slidey in Cub or Target.
    Not trying to hijack, but a song I put on my blog today was aimed directly at you hon.

  4. Sue – Thank you! Love the song! Especially the lyrics, “Cause if it wasn’t for all that you tried to do I wouldn’t know just how capable I am to pull through. So I wanna say thank you. Thanks for making me a fighter, Made me learn a little bit faster, Made my skin a little bit thicker, Makes me that much smarter, So thanks for making me a fighter.”

  5. Aren’t those ice grips just the bomb? I can see you singin’ “Singing in the Rain” to the horses and Java!!!

    I’m hearing more and more positive sparks in your writing lately. It makes me smile. You are an amazing woman with strength beyond your imagination.

    Have a fun day and an enjoyable weekend.

    God bless!!!

  6. Those ice grips look great! I was thinking about your frozen door bottoms..would some of that salty stuff they put on sidewalks help to keep it liquid? Maybe we will get enough warm weather to clear out that ice!! 🙂

  7. You get “divorcy e-mail”!!!! How great is that. Very theriputic and not just platitudes…stuff you should hear at the time you need to hear it. Crap, I never had that!
    The ice grips …wonderful, I’m just now wishing i had them. Thanks for joining me for pie the other night…I needed that…and you…you were all funny and lit up…girrl you are gonna make it!

  8. Nezzy – Thanks for keeping up the faith.

    Far Side – I should have got those ice grips a long time ago. I’m a little leery of putting down any chemicals around the animals. With my luck, Java would roll in it. I’ve just stopped using that door until spring.

    Lynn – It’s kind of amazing to find other people feel the same way but I often am not crazy about their advice on how to deal with it. I just want the feelings to stop period. Pie and conversation good!

  9. Rocky was stupid. Who would purposefully allow someone to punch you in the face over and over again in the name of ‘sport’?! bleh!

    You’re smarter than Rocky. You’ll forge ahead and live life to it’s fullest. The world is now your oyster. You have the freedom to live life as you want.
    I love my husband, but sometimes I wish to just be able to live my own life again, doing as I please on my own schedule…being independant.

    It’s scary, but exhilerating all at the same time.


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