It hasn’t made sense to me feeling so sad right now. Shouldn’t I feel better as time goes on?

But I guess it kind of makes sense because I was so taken by surprise by this divorce, I think I’ve mainly been in a state of shock. Sad, depressed, angry, and humiliated, but all veiled and somewhat numbed by shock and disbelief.

Now, it’s just raw. The realization that all the things I had planned to do with my husband this year and for the rest of my life are not happening.

Spending time with H, doing what he wanted to do with his family and friends, and trying to figure out what I could do to improve our marriage and make H happy consumed much of my time and energy. To suddenly just be left with only myself to think about is a big change. I’m a wee bit lost as to how to fill all that time that was consumed by him.

I can now do the things I’d cut way back on, like writing and riding, and do the things I’d cut out all together, like taking writing classes. But somehow, those things don’t have the same thrill when they are gained through loss.

So I think in order to ever get to the point of fully being able to once again enjoy the things I used to love doing, I first need time to grieve the loss – of him, of my dreams with him, and of the life I saw myself leading until the day that one of us died.

So I’m allowing myself to take the time to let that life go. I want to push myself to snap out of it, but there’s no rushing grief.

But that doesn’t mean I’ll just be sitting around. I’ll keep playing with Java. Riding my horses. And working on remembering who I used to be. I’m hoping there’s one or more parts of the plan I had for my life for the next forty years or so that I can still salvage.

But on top of all the divorce grief, a friend at work went into the hospital with blood clots in her lungs and feet and they found a rare, fast-growing type of cancer. She’s doing chemo but it doesn’t sound like she will even get well enough to leave the hospital. The only thing she asks of people is that they pray for her and her husband and family.

D and I started working together 30 years ago, when I was 22 and she was 25. There were four of us young things who would go out after work and drink “Greenies” and go to parties on the river. One of our group left the company and the other three of us split up into various departments. But we still see each other, and D and I talked a lot last year when we were both going through the ordeal of having elderly dogs and knowing the end was near for them.

So, I also grieve for what D and her husband are going through and the possible loss of another person that I care about.

I wish life wasn’t so hard.

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  1. I am new to your blog, and a dedicated follower of Pony Girl and Paint girl.. but also a horse lover/owner, a divorcee and and a a believer in faith.

    Hang in their…. you are in a valley.. look up!

  2. The ups and downs have to be so terrible. I wish I could say something to help you! I think having Java, your horses and your friends are the things that will help you the most during the difficult times!
    I am so sorry to hear about your friend D! I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers!

  3. Hi Mary…All people go through these transitional times in different ways and you are going to have to do what you’ve gotta do. If writing helps you get through it….by all means… It really does not matter how another person would do it, you have to do it in your own way. The hardest thing must be breaking away from your thoughts of “what might have been.”
    When you are able to let that go, I am sure you will turn the corner. Stay positive about yourself.

  4. Hi Mary,
    I agree…I wish life didn’t have to be so hard, too. Reading about D broke my heart…I cannot imagine how terrifying that would be 🙁 sending you and her family love and peacefulness. And I know you must be frustrated at how long your pain seems to be lasting…ugh! But know that you are so smart to realize that this is where you are and that you are so right: there is no rushing the grieving process…it has it’s own time scale.
    Thinking so much about your tender heart…tell Java that The Guppies say that her job for the day is to make you laugh out loud at least once. They are serious 🙂
    sue and the crew

  5. Man, Sorry hon. That sucks. I’m losing a friend right now to cancer too. We’d kind of grown apart, but it’s still weird, and sad. Hang in there.

  6. Jan – Thanks for visiting. You have some great photos on your blog. And yes, looking upward.

    Dusty – Thanks. Sounds like she’ll get out of ICU soon.

    Paint Girl -Having Java and the horses is grounding me and saving me in many ways.

    Lori – It’s hard to let go of what could have been, and hard to not think about all the things we usually do together that he’s now doing with HER. But you are right. Once I’m able to stop comparing what I had with what will be now, and comparing what he’s doing and feeling with what I’m doing and feeling, I’ll be doing a whole lot better. It’s just hard to keep those thoughts out of my mind.

    Sue – Yes, Java is definitely doing her job making me laugh. Today she went into the river then barreled out, jumping above the water like there were piranhas in there. I wonder what people think when they see me laughing by myself in the park. Did I mention the conversations we have?

    Sue 2 -Yes, the news about D and how fast the cancer took over is quite the shock. She was just vacationing in Colorado 2 weeks ago. Hard to grasp.

  7. i am very sorry about your friend. and re the divorce…. you said it very well yourself. in some marriages, one person is more attentive, gives more, makes more compromises. it sounds like that was you. it’s baffling and extremely hurtful when a marriage comes to an end, but it sounds like you have so much to rediscover about yourself. that will be a good thing, to watch that unfold.

  8. I think that a very hard part of grieving is the roller coaster, and it sounds like you’re on an up and down ride. I have to guess that things will feel a bit better when you and your animals are settled in your new place – that’s a big transition approaching and might be helping drag you down.

    I’m so sorry about your friend. Life is so hard and so scary.

  9. You’re so right…life is hard, and so unfair. I’m very sorry to hear about your friend and hope the doctors can save her.
    It was good to see you and talk about things. Hug Java for me…what a life saver he’s turned out to be!

  10. i can get your heart… that hole there and t he “coulda, shoulda what should i have done differently”.. ultimately all there is is now…
    Phil 4:13


  11. Argh! I get so upset when someone such as yourself if already in the battle of her life (coming to terms with divorce) and then another army comes along and starts battling at the same time. It’s like… how many battles is one person supposed to be able to fight at one time? You’ll get through this, though.

  12. Laurie – I feel like there’s more I could have done. I just wish he would have talked to me. Not much you can do when you don’t know. But yes, it’s time to re-familiarize myself with where I was going before I tried to follow my husband’s path.

    KB – It is definitely a roller coaster ride. It’s easier when I acknowledge that and accept it. There are just some things I have no control over. And I do think worrying about what’s to become of my horses and what kind of life Java will have is a big weight on my shoulders right now. I want to do right by them.

    Lynn – It was good to see you too and laugh about the whole dating game thing.

    Manker – Yes and today was a busy, good day. I cherish what’s good right now.

    Nuzzling – I’m not the only one that seems to have one thing after another pile up on them. It’s disconcerting what’s going on in the world right now. But I do see some good coming out of it in that people are pulling together, helping each other out, and I see people being more open and expressing their feelings to each other right now.

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