“When written in Chinese the word “crisis” is composed of two characters – one represents danger and the other represents opportunity.” — John F. Kennedy
The reality of what my life has become and what it yet will be is a combination of pain and promise.
At this time of year, when everyone is busy with family and my own family is busy with family, and the snow has trapped me in the house, I have had a lot of time to sit and wonder how it’s all going to turn out.
Strangely enough, given how I’ve beat myself up wondering why my husband stopped loving me, I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin than I do right now.
I’m not perfect by any means, and I’m always working on things about myself I’m not happy with, like my shyness, but as one of my friends put it, “You’re a good egg… You wouldn’t have all the good, smart, strong women behind you in your corner if you were some shmoe loser.”
Regardless of what H has done, he was my husband and I loved him. Recent years have been harsh but prior to whatever took over, there were many good and happy times. I’ve only recently begun to allow myself to see the bad stuff that I so often made excuses for, but still, I won’t forget the good.
But I’m cleaning house because I need to make room for other people in my life. So rather than dwell on thoughts of H:
I think about the faces of those who have stood by me, propped me up, and cheered me on when I’ve felt lost and completely void of hope. Some people I only know by their blog names, but they, as well, have been a huge help in getting me through 2009.
And I think about how in the past year I’ve headed outside on foot, horseback, snowshoes, or skis when I felt like I was stuck and didn’t know what to do next or I felt the silence and the lack of a life partner pushing me into a dark hole. But more and more, I do these things because they are fun and they make me happy.
I have Java to provide laughter in my life, to help me feel needed, and good or bad, she’s my cuddle buddy for the time being.
Luke challenged my skills in 2009 and helped me feel brave and strong. We explored new places, saw beautiful scenes, and Luke ran with me on his back until my heavy spirit finally broke loose and I felt light again. Plus there was the whole sharing of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which is a bonding experience in itself.
I can’t believe 2009 is drawing to an end — but it is not the year everything ended as I believed at first.
In less than a week, it will be 2010, and if a judge gives the nod, I will officially be Maery Rose and I will be single again.
There will be all sorts of things to switch over to my new name, I’ll need to get health and auto insurance, and I suppose there are other things to take care of but I don’t know what.
The name change will be a reminder to me that it’s not Maery Falling-on-her-face, or Maery Stuck-in-a-pit, or even Maery Rising.
Maery Rose — she is already on her feet and on the move.