An Ode to Endings and Beginnings
“When written in Chinese the word “crisis” is composed of two characters – one represents danger and the other represents opportunity.” — John F. Kennedy
The reality of what my life has become and what it yet will be is a combination of pain and promise.
At this time of year, when everyone is busy with family and my own family is busy with family, and the snow has trapped me in the house, I have had a lot of time to sit and wonder how it’s all going to turn out.
Strangely enough, given how I’ve beat myself up wondering why my husband stopped loving me, I have never felt more comfortable in my own skin than I do right now.
I’m not perfect by any means, and I’m always working on things about myself I’m not happy with, like my shyness, but as one of my friends put it, “You’re a good egg… You wouldn’t have all the good, smart, strong women behind you in your corner if you were some shmoe loser.”
Regardless of what H has done, he was my husband and I loved him. Recent years have been harsh but prior to whatever took over, there were many good and happy times. I’ve only recently begun to allow myself to see the bad stuff that I so often made excuses for, but still, I won’t forget the good.
But I’m cleaning house because I need to make room for other people in my life. So rather than dwell on thoughts of H:
I think about the faces of those who have stood by me, propped me up, and cheered me on when I’ve felt lost and completely void of hope. Some people I only know by their blog names, but they, as well, have been a huge help in getting me through 2009.
And I think about how in the past year I’ve headed outside on foot, horseback, snowshoes, or skis when I felt like I was stuck and didn’t know what to do next or I felt the silence and the lack of a life partner pushing me into a dark hole. But more and more, I do these things because they are fun and they make me happy.
I have Java to provide laughter in my life, to help me feel needed, and good or bad, she’s my cuddle buddy for the time being.
Luke challenged my skills in 2009 and helped me feel brave and strong. We explored new places, saw beautiful scenes, and Luke ran with me on his back until my heavy spirit finally broke loose and I felt light again. Plus there was the whole sharing of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, which is a bonding experience in itself.
I can’t believe 2009 is drawing to an end — but it is not the year everything ended as I believed at first.
In less than a week, it will be 2010, and if a judge gives the nod, I will officially be Maery Rose and I will be single again.
There will be all sorts of things to switch over to my new name, I’ll need to get health and auto insurance, and I suppose there are other things to take care of but I don’t know what.
The name change will be a reminder to me that it’s not Maery Falling-on-her-face, or Maery Stuck-in-a-pit, or even Maery Rising.
Maery Rose — she is already on her feet and on the move.
Or, maybe … blooming. Maery Rose is already blooming.
Yah for you Maery! Beautiful post!
You’ve come a long way baby! I sure have seen the growth since I “met” you.
Way to go Maery! We’re cheering for you, watching this incredible transformation take over. I’m sure that you still have your ups and downs – we all do – but you sound like you’re ready to zoom past recent events and leave them in the rear-view-mirror.
You asked on my blog about ‘skiing in untracked powder’. It’s something that I have to do every time it snows since so few people use our trails. It’s more like walking than skiing, as I plonk each ski into the soft snow, leaving behind the beginning of tracks. There’s definitely no gliding, and it’s very hard work. But, after we ski the same trail a few times, I start to glide, and it becomes like regular xc skiing. Make sense?
Well, I hope you don’t think this is weird of me since we’ve only met once at Sue and Dan’s but… you really are an amazing woman. From my perspective you are such a strong and thoughtful person. You inspire me. ~Beth
onward and upward… forward from the future
Beth – Totally not weird. And who would I be to judge anyway. I love getting comments, especially from someone who managed to come up with the whole fish hat idea for the floatilla.
Thanks you guys. As I said, I wouldn’t have managed so much and so well without you.
Maery– ROSE! Ah-ha! Now I love it even more! I know this might not be exactly right, but I’m glad things have transpired as they have, because otherwise I’d never have met you, and you’d not have found other fun stuff to do, and been open to finding awesome new people to do them with.
Sue – Now I get to say it. “Sue, you are so funny!” But yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I would never ask to go through a divorce in a million years but if the bad hadn’t happened so much good would have never happened either.
You go girl! I can honestly say that I’ve never been through anything bad that something good hasn’t sprung forth out of. I know God has great plans for you Maery~Rose!
Enjoy this day and may God bless you!!!
Hey, I am completely new to your blog. I’ve been caught up in this “the blogs I follow” chain this morning…. I keep bookmarking A LOT of them:)I only read a couple of your posts and all I can say (for now) that I think that you reached a good place and that you have great companions. Wishing you a shiny New Year
Sandra (from all the way from Slovenia)
Nezzy – I hope you’re right. It’s not feeling so great right now.
Sandra – Welcome! Really? Slovenia? American there?