Throwing Myself a Life Vest
“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.” Psalm 69:1, 17
“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.” Psalm 69:1, 17
“There are times in your life where all you can do at the end of the day is turn out the lights, flop on the bed, and throw in the towel… The very act of giving up becomes a starting point. You clear your head. You still your beating heart. You navigate the rocky shoals,…
My friend Sue had a post today that made me happy that she’s in the place she’s at, hopeful for the possibilities, but sad that I’m so far from that place. The posts conversational comments hit a known truth that I want to avoid. I can’t rush and force my way out of the way…
Prologue: I wrote this for a reading at my writer’s group to discuss where I am as a writer. WARNING: It contains some swearing and crazy-ass thinking. I’m still grieving the loss of Luke. And it appears any time you suffer one loss, it brings up feelings from all the other losses in your life….
A summer off from blogging, most of social media, busyness, and information overload. I’m just chilling… Do you believe that? Latte and I arrived at a local park early one morning to go on our usual walk. We stopped back at the van so I could have coffee and read a book, then took another…
February was the month where my relationship with winter wore thin. All the romance evaporated. Granted, February’s days got longer. Temperatures occasionally rose above freezing. There were moments of affection, even love as the sun came out, birds sang their flirtatious songs, and the sky looked like something I might dive into. But it wasn’t…
Do you ever open one of your journals and read the previous entry, which perhaps you wrote yesterday or a few days before, but you don’t recognize the thoughts written there? I suppose not if you don’t keep a journal, but this is one reason why I do, I forget very quickly where I’ve been….
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Mary…you are not weak, you are in transition and there are some unknowns at this point. One day at a time and you are going to get there!
By the way, you are invited to dinner…
Hi Mary,
though I have not commented in a while, I have been checking in and reading updates. My heart becomes so sad with yours as I read your words…you are so strong and so courageous. I believe that taking the time to grieve and let yourself cry is so important-your loss is huge-how could you just keep going as if nothing happened? You are doing your best to find moments worth smiling about as you weave your heart and soul through the sadness of adjusting to this new direction. That takes incredible courage. This is your place to write and share your heart-don’t apologize for doing that. We all come back because we care and want to be here to support you…so put those words down and know that they are being read with compassion and admiration.
Sending you a huge warm hug and hoping you know how often you bring a smile to my day by just being who you are and sharing that with all of us who care 🙂
xoxoxo
sue and the crew
Lori – Thanks for your understanding and the invite. For now, I’ll have to enjoy cyber dinners. You should start posting recipes. I’d be all over them.
SMRP – Boy, have I missed your comments. I’ve been worried about you taking on so much and what that might be doing to you. Thanks for your compassion.
I’m starting to understand that even though I want to tell myself and believe everything will work out for the best, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to grieve right now. I had so many plans and dreams, that all included my husband. It’s a huge loss to let go of those and try to come up with a new vision for my life.
Hi Mary,
thanks for thinking about me and the crew…we are about as happy as can be given the sadness in my heart over the sudden loss of my girl.
It takes me a long time to work through the grieving process…I think that’s honest and healthy, personally.
I remember that horrible pit-in-my-stomach feeling after past break ups with seriou boyfriends and it is a heart wrenching place to be. I don’t think it’s odd that you are sad and raw and angry and crushed…not at all. My goodness-you have had your entire life turned upside down and inside out 🙁 i’d be more concerned if you were just fine right now because I’d worry about how the grief would show up unexpectedly in the future.
In many ways I think you are honoring the relationship and life you lost by allowing yourself to cry and be angry and sad.
That all being said, what I admire so much about the way you are processing this is the strength you have, that you don’t even realize, by taking those moments with Java, trailering Luke to explore new areas, and even by giving tender care to your sweet little tomato plants 🙂
time is powerful…i know it seems to inch by excruciatingly slow at first-but that is also giving you the time you need to truly grieve your loss.
I truly admire you for facing your sadness and sharing it…that takes a lot of honesty and strength. Your words are full of lessons and insight-I learn from them and appreciate that you share them with us!
Hug Java for me and pat those cute little Charlie Brown tomato plants on the head for me 🙂
thinking of you,
sue
Sue – Thanks for recognizing where I am at on this journey. It’ may be true that I’m better off without him and that my life is going to be so much better, but I’m not in the place right now where I can take that in. And it’s so affirming when people acknowledge that it’s okay to take my time. It’s people like you and others who have commented here that give me strength. You are my angels. Sue, you have such a kind, compassionate spirit. It’s why you do so much good for others, human and animal. Thank you.