How to Get Back On Track

Full moon

My friends are taking classes, being creative, making things, buying things for their home, tending their gardens, and taking trips. The same sort of things I’d be doing if…

It seems like my life came to a sudden, unexpected halt.

Everything I thought I had accomplished feels like it was a waste of time.

My regained health – doesn’t matter anymore. And I’m losing it again anyway.

A great kitchen to cook in – cook for who?

People I planned to have over – I’m too much of a drag right now.

All that work on my office and setting up things to paint and draw – I keep trying to get back to drawing and writing, but can’t pull out my drawing pad or write anything beyond this blog.

Classes I wanted to take in writing and drawing – no energy and no money.

Traveling I wanted to do – Hawaii, Ireland, Spain, New Mexico. Texas – travel alone? Downer. Won’t be able to afford travel anyway.

No, life isn’t over. That’s for darn sure. I did think I had a brain tumor for awhile, still have the stabbing pains, but I think it’s just a sinus infection or from crying too much.

There are new things in my life – like trail riding all the time. But if I lose the truck?

I know I sound so negative. So stuck in a pity party. And I’ll try to make this my last rant.

But my life just stopped!

Everything else keeps moving, spinning past me. Loud and yet remote. Close but untouchable and unstoppable.

I just want everyone else to stop too!

Just for a minute.

Just so I can catch my breath.

So I can take a look around and get my bearings.

Moss

So I can understand.

I’m so lonely. In a crowd of people, I feel isolated and invisible.

When did I become invisible?

I want someone to tell me it will be okay and believe it!

I want to feel and know the existence of a better tomorrow in the marrow of my bones!

I want a promise that I don’t have to hide away somewhere to insure that no one ever does this to me again.

I want to trust.

I want to believe.

I want love and commitment that wraps it’s arms around me and doesn’t let go.

If something is going to stop, can it please be the ache.

I can count my blessings and look for the things I will still possess, things I can still do.

But I don’t have love and love is all I wanted or needed.

And it’s the one thing I can’t seem to have.

Redwood tree

8 Comments

  1. All I can say is keep doing the things that you love to do and the ache will gradually get better. At least that’s the strategy that I use.

    Hang in there.

  2. I am sorry things feel so bleak right now. There are no right words to make your pain lessen nor make you feel better. Just know you are not invisible.

  3. Hi there, thanks for visiting my blog. It’s always nice to meet a new friend. It’s pretty tough this thing we are living. You know the sayings…nobody said life was going to be easy or life isn’t fair…all those things we’ve all heard. The problem is – they’re all true. They are sayings because hundreds, even thousands of people have gone through life before us and have felt the exact same thing at one time or another. They’re all true. I don’t know what the answer to happiness is. I’m sure that things are better with love, but the truth is that we’re all not loved at some point in our life. We all feel lonely, lost, sad, unsure of where to go next or what to do to make ourselves feel better. Me too. Just know that you are not alone. Even though you may feel like it at times. You may even feel invisible, but you’re here and you’re valid just like us. You are important. I don’t know if you have faith in God or not…but you need to realize that He has faith in you. He loves you, even if nobody else does. It sounds so cliche’ but time really does heal all wounds. Apparently, your husband has hurt you and now he’s gone. Good. Now you can begin again…clean slate. Better than before. I don’t mean to sound flippant, or make assumptions but I guess that’s exactly what I’m doing here. I am trying to learn that even though it’s not comfortable all the time, we are exactly where we are supposed to be all the time. Keep doing the things that you love, even if you don’t feel like it. Do the things that you love with a passion, and the passion and love will follow you. Piece of cake, right? Not even. But like Nike says, just do it. You will live to laugh and love and cry again another day. We are all just doing the best we can. Okay, sorry. I’ll climb off my soapbox now. Hope you have a good day today. I’ll go check out the rest of your blog now. Nice to meet you. Lorie

  4. Hi there – me again. I need to apologize for that very strongly worded and quite opinionated comment I made earlier. I have only just met you and have no right to make such strong statements. Please forgive me…I’ve always been bossy. Sorry, but I do still feel the same way…but now, I feel like I know you much better after having read a bunch of your earlier posts and I must say…I love your blog!! You are an amazingly strong woman and now I’m even more convinced that you are going to be totally great without that big lug of a blankety blank tying you down anymore!! Get pissed…you’ll feel much more better. 🙂

  5. Cavanaugh: Thanks for your comment. It came through twice so I deleted one. I wonder if there’s a way to delete without it looking like I’m censoring you? Geeze!

    KB & Manker: Yes, that’s my strategy thus far. This weekend, the truck is being used for a camping trip so no trail riding. I’ll have to take Java on an adventure instead, or see if I can fit my bike in the back of my Mini Cooper, or do both.

    C-ingspots: I’m not sure of what strong statements you speak of. Your comments seemed pretty much right on. The whole thing about seeking “happiness”, well, that’s why he left, I didn’t make him happy. I guess I’ve never expected someone to make me happy so I don’t understand that. I’m trying to see that having someone who thinks the way he does and treats people and life as flippantly as he does is not someone I need or should want in my life. But despite all his faults and all the mistakes and bad things he’s done, I still love him, and I miss him.

  6. Gosh Mary….C-ingspots comments sound familiar. I don’t think there are any magic words that are going to make you feel better…only time will do that. Yes, you have had the rug pulled out from under you…and the person that is going to make the biggest difference in your life is you. Please care about yourself! Come on girl…get in that kick-ass mode. I wish you were my neighbor so I could come over and bug you!

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