Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings

My friend Sue had a post today that made me happy that she’s in the place she’s at, hopeful for the possibilities, but sad that I’m so far from that place. The posts conversational comments hit a known truth that I want to avoid. I can’t rush and force my way out of the way I currently feel.

I’ve been through divorce before. This is not like what I went through then. And that’s part of the problem. I don’t know what this is, so I don’t know what to do with it. I think it’s more about my age and that I’ve done nothing but fail at stuff for 50 years now. My life feels like failure and waste and like it’s too late now.

“It’s never too late” sounds like something people say. There are certain things that it’s too late for, like making it onto the olympic equestrian team, having another child, or celebrating my 50th wedding anniversary. I know there are miracles, but seriously. Life is what it is.

But as always, I’m too short on time to be this philosophical, so this will be brief.

I did manage to ride Luke for a bit today. It wasn’t as magical as my lesson last weekend but it had it’s moments, and the only goal right now is to have more moments and moments that last a bit longer each ride. Hmmm… There might be a broader application for this moment stuff.

Luke had some advice for me.
Don’t isolate yourself.
There are friends around if you look and let them be near.
Stop looking behind you and thinking about the past.
Take care of yourself by eating right. Better yet, eat with a friend.
Get outside and do something. Get some exercise.
If you can’t feel it, just go through the motions, until the feelings return. 
Take your time. Be patient. Even when it seems impossible.

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11 Comments

  1. Luke is brilliant! You must be so tired of all of us giving you advise, when you know yourself so well (and all the things Luke has told you to do). I hope you have a stupendous weekend!

  2. Lori – Most of the time, advice just makes me feel like people care and there are those that I know by what they say have been to some of the places in life that I’ve been. The weather sound like it’s going to be stupendous so I’m hoping (fingers crossed) to trail ride this weekend. Since our weather seems to match quite often, I’m betting you have some fun activities planned also.

  3. Luke is one smart cookie! Girl, you’ve got to look in the mirror and focus on all the good things you bring to this world. Not a one of us would move forward by lookin’ at all our failures, and believe me, we all have a closet full of ’em. You are in my prayers liftin’ your spirit up. I know you have brought much into my world.

    God bless ya and have a fantastic day sweetie!!!

  4. I agree, Luke = smart. Sorry my post made you feel bad Maery– that’s the opposite effect i intended, believe me. I don’t really know what to say. Dan was once again making fun of me the other night for “being on the internet”. He thinks it’s dumb I follow certain blogs and comment etc because all that takes time away from what he sees as “real life.” He wanted to know what *important* comment I could possibly have to make.

    I told him whatever my comment winds-up being, what I’m usually really SAYING is, “I see you. I care about your life and what happens to you.” & “You aren’t alone.” I guess that’s all I have for you today friend. ~pat pat~

  5. That Luke is the smartest horse I’ve ever seen ~ move over Mr. Ed. These aren’t failures Maery. You are better than the two marriages you left behind. They failed, not you. Listen to everyone here and all around you that love you. You are so lovable. I have never met you, but I do “know” you. Feel that pain, sit with it. Make it your friend, so you can invite it in and tell it to leave now and then. Let it teach you. Grace and dignity can come in many forms. Keep Luke near and dear as he is priceless with his warm heart beating next to yours. You are loved. Kathleen

  6. Nezzy – Thanks for writing that. I sometimes feel like I’m dragging people down or wearing them out and I should just drop out until I come back all fresh and shiny. But then that might never happen without ongoing contact with people like you. I hope you have a great weekend!

    Sue – You didn’t make me feel bad. Quite the opposite so I’m sorry if that’s how it sounded. I just so frustrated with myself. I don’t know if guys get it as they don’t really think the same or need the same things in the same way. (trying not to say something sexist) But what you said is exactly what comments and e-mails do — the “I see you” is so important, at least to me it is. Thanks. Your friendship has been such a great addition to my life.

  7. Kathleen – I got your Facebook note but Facebook is blocked at work so I’ll have to respond to it later. Just know that I’m thinking of you and what you’ve said. I hope we’ll be able to get together soon.

  8. Luke is on to something…. 🙂

    It’s been awhile since I’ve been in a funk. Having kids at home to keep me active helps. And a horse hobby I am totally obsessed with. But do understand what you mean. Being 50 is right around the corner for me, too, I stopped to think about what I have accomplished. I have a good job, but that’s not my passion. I love my kids, but I don’t think parenting turned out to be my passion. I’ve been with the same man for almost 25 years and he can be as annoying as heck sometimes! LOL! My parents are both gone.

    But when I look back and ask myself if I spent more time being happy or disappointed, hands down I have had a great life. Not a lot to show for it emotionally or in the bank, but if I keep going at this rate (knock wood), I’ll have no regrets at the end.

    Look at where you have been and what made you happy (not who) and think about getting there again. One step at a time. But most of all, give yourself time to heal. And it will take time. Following your blog this last year, it is obvious you took a big blow and ended up getting short changed. Just like a physical injury, an emotional one needs healing time, too.

    You had to make a lot of quick choices and changes. I’m not sure any of us ever want to prove we are that strong. You were & did it. Now let the recovery begin. And if you need to take out the anger, make weekly visits to the DMV! 🙂

  9. Gosh, I wish Luke was my therapist!
    What great advice. I hope this weekend is lovely and you get to trail ride. (I’m waiting to get back on my bike…two wheeled therapy is almost as good as four legs)
    Here for you.
    See you soon!

  10. Luke is full of good advice. I’d add the classic one, take one day at a time, no looking back or forward. Actually, take one instant at a time… like Java does.

    I used to have a constant voice in my head telling me what an idiot I was. Then, I learned about something people have dubbed “mindfulness”, and the voice naturally went away as I learned to be mindful. I don’t mean to be full of advice. What the heck do I know?

    Glad that you got to ride Luke. That’s a good and happy thing.

  11. Tammy – Thanks! Your words are true. Speaking of DMV, I never got my license because they forgot to do the address change and sent it to the old address and they won’t forward licenses. I had to start all over again. Grrr!

    Lynn – It was. I did. Hope you feel better soon. Thank you. Maybe yoga our way to serenity?

    KB – You know a lot and have taught me much. Thanks!

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