Throwing Myself a Life Vest
“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.” Psalm 69:1, 17
“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.” Psalm 69:1, 17
At some point in 2020, I decided to focus on the good and the beautiful. Which is why it’s comforting to watch the world outside my window. The birds and critters there have a natural rhythm that makes me feel that at least this piece of my world is circular and real. The world outside…
I’ve started out writing so many different posts for this week. I’ve judged them too long, too personal, or too heavy. But I’ve decided to commit the crime of all three and hope that some part of this makes sense to someone. The photos are of wildflowers that I saw while walking in the woods…
Today is the final day of my 30 day Writing Contract. I typed up what I was going to complete towards writing my book, signed the contract, and submitted it to a friend, who has been keeping me accountable. I didn’t complete my contract to the letter, but I stuck to writing almost every day…
“They take pictures of climbers at the top of the mountain. They’re smiling, triumphant. They don’t take picture along the way, because who wants to remember the rest of it. We push ourselves because we have to, not because we like it. The relentless climb, the pain and anguish of taking it to the next…
I bet that title got your attention. I was just thinking that in my dream job, I would get to use my imagination and creativity to come up with ideas and collaborate with a team to go from ideas to action and finally, to mind-blowing, curtain-opening… something! Something would be published, displayed in a gallery,…
The great thing about striving to be a better writer is it forces me to actually do the “be in the moment” “be present” stuff, which I would struggle following through with otherwise.
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Mary…you are not weak, you are in transition and there are some unknowns at this point. One day at a time and you are going to get there!
By the way, you are invited to dinner…
Hi Mary,
though I have not commented in a while, I have been checking in and reading updates. My heart becomes so sad with yours as I read your words…you are so strong and so courageous. I believe that taking the time to grieve and let yourself cry is so important-your loss is huge-how could you just keep going as if nothing happened? You are doing your best to find moments worth smiling about as you weave your heart and soul through the sadness of adjusting to this new direction. That takes incredible courage. This is your place to write and share your heart-don’t apologize for doing that. We all come back because we care and want to be here to support you…so put those words down and know that they are being read with compassion and admiration.
Sending you a huge warm hug and hoping you know how often you bring a smile to my day by just being who you are and sharing that with all of us who care 🙂
xoxoxo
sue and the crew
Lori – Thanks for your understanding and the invite. For now, I’ll have to enjoy cyber dinners. You should start posting recipes. I’d be all over them.
SMRP – Boy, have I missed your comments. I’ve been worried about you taking on so much and what that might be doing to you. Thanks for your compassion.
I’m starting to understand that even though I want to tell myself and believe everything will work out for the best, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to grieve right now. I had so many plans and dreams, that all included my husband. It’s a huge loss to let go of those and try to come up with a new vision for my life.
Hi Mary,
thanks for thinking about me and the crew…we are about as happy as can be given the sadness in my heart over the sudden loss of my girl.
It takes me a long time to work through the grieving process…I think that’s honest and healthy, personally.
I remember that horrible pit-in-my-stomach feeling after past break ups with seriou boyfriends and it is a heart wrenching place to be. I don’t think it’s odd that you are sad and raw and angry and crushed…not at all. My goodness-you have had your entire life turned upside down and inside out 🙁 i’d be more concerned if you were just fine right now because I’d worry about how the grief would show up unexpectedly in the future.
In many ways I think you are honoring the relationship and life you lost by allowing yourself to cry and be angry and sad.
That all being said, what I admire so much about the way you are processing this is the strength you have, that you don’t even realize, by taking those moments with Java, trailering Luke to explore new areas, and even by giving tender care to your sweet little tomato plants 🙂
time is powerful…i know it seems to inch by excruciatingly slow at first-but that is also giving you the time you need to truly grieve your loss.
I truly admire you for facing your sadness and sharing it…that takes a lot of honesty and strength. Your words are full of lessons and insight-I learn from them and appreciate that you share them with us!
Hug Java for me and pat those cute little Charlie Brown tomato plants on the head for me 🙂
thinking of you,
sue
Sue – Thanks for recognizing where I am at on this journey. It’ may be true that I’m better off without him and that my life is going to be so much better, but I’m not in the place right now where I can take that in. And it’s so affirming when people acknowledge that it’s okay to take my time. It’s people like you and others who have commented here that give me strength. You are my angels. Sue, you have such a kind, compassionate spirit. It’s why you do so much good for others, human and animal. Thank you.