Writing

Throwing Myself a Life Vest

“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. Do not hide your face from your servant; answer me quickly, for I am in trouble.” Psalm 69:1, 17

It’s not that I don’t hesitate before posting some of the things I write. I know it’s hard to believe, but, in general, I hold a lot of stuff inside. But some days, words are the only things I can use to keep from drowning.

To stop them from rattling and clanking around in my head, banging from one side of the skull to the other, I put the sentences out there and let them go, to do what they will.

Hoping that I don’t trigger bad feelings in others.

Hoping I don’t irritate or hurt anyone.

Hoping I’m not being selfish.

Because those are not my intentions.

I’ve seen myself as weak because of how fearful I am. But I’m rethinking that belief. Because I think it takes a tremendous amount of courage to do something that frightens you, to face things you’d rather ignore, to be honest when it would be easier to fool everyone into seeing what’s not really there.

Thank you for your patience, your strong examples, and your kindness. I don’t take these gifts for granted and I will put them to good use.

Blessings…

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5 Comments

  1. Mary…you are not weak, you are in transition and there are some unknowns at this point. One day at a time and you are going to get there!

    By the way, you are invited to dinner…

  2. Hi Mary,
    though I have not commented in a while, I have been checking in and reading updates. My heart becomes so sad with yours as I read your words…you are so strong and so courageous. I believe that taking the time to grieve and let yourself cry is so important-your loss is huge-how could you just keep going as if nothing happened? You are doing your best to find moments worth smiling about as you weave your heart and soul through the sadness of adjusting to this new direction. That takes incredible courage. This is your place to write and share your heart-don’t apologize for doing that. We all come back because we care and want to be here to support you…so put those words down and know that they are being read with compassion and admiration.

    Sending you a huge warm hug and hoping you know how often you bring a smile to my day by just being who you are and sharing that with all of us who care 🙂
    xoxoxo
    sue and the crew

  3. Lori – Thanks for your understanding and the invite. For now, I’ll have to enjoy cyber dinners. You should start posting recipes. I’d be all over them.

    SMRP – Boy, have I missed your comments. I’ve been worried about you taking on so much and what that might be doing to you. Thanks for your compassion.

    I’m starting to understand that even though I want to tell myself and believe everything will work out for the best, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to grieve right now. I had so many plans and dreams, that all included my husband. It’s a huge loss to let go of those and try to come up with a new vision for my life.

  4. Hi Mary,
    thanks for thinking about me and the crew…we are about as happy as can be given the sadness in my heart over the sudden loss of my girl.

    It takes me a long time to work through the grieving process…I think that’s honest and healthy, personally.

    I remember that horrible pit-in-my-stomach feeling after past break ups with seriou boyfriends and it is a heart wrenching place to be. I don’t think it’s odd that you are sad and raw and angry and crushed…not at all. My goodness-you have had your entire life turned upside down and inside out 🙁 i’d be more concerned if you were just fine right now because I’d worry about how the grief would show up unexpectedly in the future.

    In many ways I think you are honoring the relationship and life you lost by allowing yourself to cry and be angry and sad.

    That all being said, what I admire so much about the way you are processing this is the strength you have, that you don’t even realize, by taking those moments with Java, trailering Luke to explore new areas, and even by giving tender care to your sweet little tomato plants 🙂

    time is powerful…i know it seems to inch by excruciatingly slow at first-but that is also giving you the time you need to truly grieve your loss.

    I truly admire you for facing your sadness and sharing it…that takes a lot of honesty and strength. Your words are full of lessons and insight-I learn from them and appreciate that you share them with us!

    Hug Java for me and pat those cute little Charlie Brown tomato plants on the head for me 🙂
    thinking of you,
    sue

  5. Sue – Thanks for recognizing where I am at on this journey. It’ may be true that I’m better off without him and that my life is going to be so much better, but I’m not in the place right now where I can take that in. And it’s so affirming when people acknowledge that it’s okay to take my time. It’s people like you and others who have commented here that give me strength. You are my angels. Sue, you have such a kind, compassionate spirit. It’s why you do so much good for others, human and animal. Thank you.

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