Woman on a Journey

Broken

1. Forcibly separated into two or more pieces; fractured — broken lives
2. Having been violated — broken promise
3. Being in a state of disarray; disordered — broken ranks 
4. Spoken with gaps and errors — broken communication
5. Subdued totally; humbled — broken spirit 
6. Crushed by grief — broken heart 
7. Not functioning; out of order — Maery Rose

I try to stay away from the topic of depression because I’m supposed to be doing great by now, right? I have my moments, certainly. I’m a highly functional depressed person. I’ve struggled so long with this that I don’t panic anymore. I know how to ride this out. It just wears me out is all.

I went to my NP (nurse practitioner) last week for a blood draw to test my thyroid function and make sure my medication is at the right level. She also decided to check my vitamin D and B12 levels. It’s hard to test for B12 but it would be nice if some sort of deficiency was detected. Anything to explain my fatigue and inability to focus.

“Here, just take a spot of B12 and everything will be all right again.”

My NP sat with her clipboard and pen in hand, asking me the usual questions, “How are you sleeping? How’s your appetite? Do you have supportive family and friends?”

She listened to my answers and finally wrote, “Not suicidal” with a quick scrawl across the page.

I’m a good, Catholic girl. The more suffering the better. It ensures I get a good spot in heaven. At this point, I think I’ve earned myself a log cabin on a glistening blue lake, surrounded by woods and mountain peaks, where the temperature is always in the 70s, the days are long and sunny, and a state park horse trail system is right out the back door.

I’ve become obsessed with the idea of a roadtrip again. I just want to get in my car with Java by my side and drive. I have this fantasy that by the third day on the road, possibly when my Mini crests the top of a hill and I spot a hawk gliding effortlessly over a valley, I will have a sudden epipheny. Clarity will be mine.

Or as my NP said, “Maybe you should take an anti-depressant. No need to suffer unnecessarily.”

Indeed.

I went to my computer yesterday and said  “Oh, mighty cyberspace. Show me a sign. Lead me to someone, something that will pull me out of this slimy pit of sorrow and despair. “

My first computer stop, I ran across a link to a song that made me totally sob. I only wish God’s love was something I was actually able to feel. I’m jealous of those that do.

But I still love the song, I just wish the messages etched in my brain were as easy to erase as words on a chalkboard.

I rode Luke on Monday. I’ve been too busy to get out there much and I could tell it’d been awhile from how stiff and non-flowing Luke felt. Maybe I felt that way to Luke too. Hopefully, I’ll find more time to ride soon.

My son called me today, which always helps me feel better. And a note from his sister really got to me. That’s what helps I guess, people — sweet, gorgeous people.

Oh, sorry, and non-people too!

I have a notebook I carry in my purse and I wrote down my latest motto “Make the best of what is.” I read that sentence whenever my head gets to whining or starts to slink into the dark.

An even better statement came from one of my friends, who has had a bit of her own troubles. She repeated the wise words of her Irish mother,

“If you have two good strong legs and can feel the wind in your hair, you have nothing to complain about.”

I’ve heard this quote from this friend before and I know she wrote it with a wink and a smile on her face. Most the people I know aren’t big complainers. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting.

So here’s another lovely bit of Irish wisdom that I found:

“May those who love us, love us; and those who don’t love us, may God turn their hearts; and if He doesn’t turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so we’ll know them by their limping.”

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13 Comments

  1. Maery Rose…you would not be normal if you did not have these feelings after all you have been through. It is impossible to erase what is in your mind…and it can’t be forced out of you by any of us. You have made gigantic strides in spite you the memories and the good news is that you are moving forward. I’m sure the animals feel your energy level too.

    Those Irish bits of wisdom are something!

  2. It’s difficult at best to keep a positive attitude when you are tried and exhausted. I’m gettin’ through the loss of my Daddy last Wednesday but as they say (and we know ‘they’ are always right.) Life goes on.

    You have been through so many things and the move just tops it all off. You wouldn’t be normal not to be feelin’ some of what you describe. You always seem the happiest when you and Luke get together. He really seems to center you. Take care, as we all know depression is something that is out of your control, it’s chemical. Please keep in close contact with your Doc. sweetie.

    My prayers are with ya and have yourself a beautiful ‘fall’ day.

    God bless ya!!! :o)

  3. You have been through a ton of changes – huge stressors in your life. I wouldn’t toss out the idea of an anti-depressant too fast. Your depression is what they call “situational” – i.e., a series of events have precipitated it. But, those events can throw off your entire blood chemistry, leaving you depressed and unable to enjoy life. Taking a med for a while can do wonders… I did so about 15 yrs ago when I had to have a hysterectomy at a young age and before I had kids. It was a Godsend. I didn’t have to take it forever, just until I had stabilized my chemistry for a while and then my body took over. In any case, remember that depression is a chemical imbalance (a physical sickness) – and not weakness of character or something.

    I’m glad that you have Java and Luke, and that they can both make you smile!

  4. I was just about to write something very similar to what KB has already written. I don’t think I can improve on what she said, but I will add that I also used an antidepressant for a while after a traumatic event sent me spiraling into depression, and my experience was similar to KB’s. My chemistry seemed to normalize after a while, and I stopped taking the meds. That was about 12 years ago now.

  5. You have been through so many changes..it would be normal to be depressed..unless of course you are super woman! Try some meds for six months..see if it helps.
    I love the Irish sayings..I have that last one in my garden.
    Sometimes it helps me to say to myself “Self do something that you can do something about.” 🙂

  6. I did end up caving in to the anti-depressant when I couldn’t stop crying at work. Right now it feels like it’s making me feel worse but I’ve been told to give it a month. I’m hoping it will help me get through the holidays and short winter days. By Spring, maybe things will be looking up. It will be two years by then since I was dumped, which is statistically e how long it is supposed to take for me to bounce back. We’ll see…

  7. Maery Maery Maery ~ I want to hold you in an invisible embrace and take some of your pain. It is my opinion that those who feel great joy also feel great pain. There are very few people that have lived a full life that have not had situational depression. It is not a symptom of weakness, it is a symptom of living in the reality of your own life and all that comes with it. Your words are your power, your strength. Use them to heal yourself and to teach us how we can be more present to those we care about ~ you for one. Let us carry you now and then. Take our hand and feel us right there beside you. You are right where you are supposed to be right now and you are doing a great job navigating these waters. There is no formula and no time line, only your time. There is a depth within you that can be your greatest source of comfort. The voice you listen to the most is your own. Make sure your mantra holds words of affirmation to yourself. “I am lovable and I am loved.” You are Maery! I see you walking in grace and dignity. Walk proudly and hear me cheering you on and admiring you:-) On a lighter note, I am honored that my mother’s Irish quote made your blog. I will however tell you that there were times when i was curled in a fetal position and did not particularly want to hear that I should be rejoicing because I had two good strong legs. Write Maery write! Kathleen

  8. Oh Maery, you are one of the few people that can have me feeling all sad one minute, and laughing the next. I can’t help myself, I love that last bit about twisting the people who don’t love you’s ankles.
    Depression SUCKS, and I’ve come to think people who claim they’ve never been there are either just not fully away or somehow not normal. I think of it like a weather system, and actually picture a bank of dark clouds moving in. It sounds depressing, i know, but the thing I like about this image is that it’s MOVING– it’ll be gone eventually, you just have to keep doing what your doing– keeping you life going, and it will move past you and be gone. Eventually. 🙂 Hand in there pal.

  9. Maery, there are many anti-depressants, if one doesn’t give you a hand up out of the hole…another will. You’ve been doing good things for yourself, horse-camping, staying active…all this together will help. You’re doing it right…don’t let anyone tell you you’re not.

  10. Oh, boy. I nearly spit all over my screen at that last quote.

    After some ugliness I had in my life recently, I’m wishing more for a baseball bat to the knees for a few folks, but that’s not very nice … now is it?

    If it makes you feel any better, I TOO have fantasies of loading Lilly into my MINI and taking off. I don’t know where, but there are days that just anything different would be a welcome change from the stress, grief, worry.

    From my seat, it sure seems like you’re coping remarkably well. I know it isn’t easy, but keep at it.

  11. Kathleen – Thanks oh yee source of Irish wisdom.I know these things in my head, but I need to find a way of moving them somewhere that I’ll actually feel it. And heck with imagining friends by my side! When are we doing coffee? Seriously, thank you.

    Sue – I have a gift with seeing the humor in life. It’s how I have managed to weather the storms. Funny that you should mention the cloud imagery as I’m working on writing something about clouds. Oh, and I enjoyed the misspellings.

    Lynn – I know. I’m like the guru on depression and treatment options. I’ve done it all during my lifetime, for myself and others. Maybe that’s why I get so frustrated. With everything I know, I should be able to out think this, no problemo.

    Roxanne – That quote’s a good one! Too bad it’s so long or I’d paint it on my wall. The baseball bat is a nice touch. I can understand why your mind would go there. We could do a Mini meet up. I’m trying to convince my son to go with me to Colorado Springs for a visit, not next door to you but not far. There is that darn snow issue again though.

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