Got No Rhythm
I heard this old Queen song on the radio the other day while I was cleaning the barn. I love the way Queen harmonizes and there are the “outfits”. How many men can pull those jumpsuits off?
Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat
I’m ok, I’m alright
Ain’t gonna face no defeat
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
Someday I’m gonna be free, Lord!
Ah yes, rhythm and beat… The previous rhythm of my life is gone and I haven’t found a new beat to replace it with. Instead of a life that I walk comfortably and happily in, I now feel like I’ve put my shoes on the wrong feet.
My day-to-day routine has fallen into disarray — too many puzzle pieces are missing. I stay up to all hours of the night, not wanting to face my empty bed or the thoughts that fill my head as soon as I lay down.
I have the opposite problem in the morning. Because I’ve only had 5 to 6 hours of sleep, and it’s generally about 58 degrees in the house, and colder outside where I need to go and feed horses and clean stalls, I lay in bed for 15 to 90 minutes before I manage to get up.
All of this getting up procrastination and the disorganization that greets me in the morning means that I don’t arrive at work until about 9:00 AM. I used to arrive around 7:30. Fortunately, I don’t punch a clock, but a late arrival means working later, which is why my evening has become so chaotic. I’m always running behind schedule.
I haven’t been very present lately, haven’t been reading and commenting on all the blogs I normally follow, and I apologize for that. I’ve been struggling with this feeling of being off tempo. I think my life has switched to the rumba, while I’m doing some sort of polka. I’m trying to match up my steps to the new beat.
I’ll write more about that in the next few days.
Sometimes it seems to me like big life changes can give our internal pendulum a big push or pull, and then we are off kilter for a while as it swings – first too far this way, then too far the other way. Give it time, and it will wind back down and normalize somewhere in the middle.
Oh girl, I wish I was there to give you a big old lovin’ hug. I’m saying this with love Maery but what you are describing are classic signs of depression. Ya get thrown the problems you have had to deal with and throw the dull winter on top of it, it can happen to the best of us. If this is the case please go to the doctor and get some help. If it’s just a down day you know your blog-sisters are here for support and prayer.
You do need to get yourself back on a good schedule and take care of yourself. I’m praying the clouds apart for you girl. I know God has a great plan for you life.
God bless you sweetie.
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Dog Geek – You’ve hit the nail on the head. But I’m getting impatient and want to do something constructive. I’ve become my own worst enemy and that’s the part I want to act on.
Nezzy – I did remove your post with your e-mail address. I know that what I’m thinking and the resulting through pattern comes from depression and also that it takes time to regroup, and I try to be patient. But I think there is some stinkin’ thinkin’ holding me back and that’s what I’m trying to work through. I really appreciate your comments and knowing how much you care. Thanks.
Maery Rose….Come on girl. Not a soul out here can help you more than you can help yourself. You see what’s happening…you recognize it loud and clear. There comes a time when you have to put your shoes on the right feet…and if someone needs to help you with that, so be it. No matter how much you wish for what was, it seems that it keeps pulling you down. The days that you are riding or taking Java on walks or with your friends you are a different person.
I feel your pain, and like many others, really want you to pull out of this…I know you want to. You’re a good dancer and a very talented person. What is it that would help the most?
Obviously, this post is not being taken the way it was intended. What I’m stating is the problem. I don’t expect anyone to do anything to resolve anything for me. In fact, that was initially my closing paragraph. I guess I should have left it. Instead, I hoped people would understand that I was only giving part of the story here because I didn’t want to write too long of a post. Live and learn.