Conflicting Emotions

Crazy, busy day. I’m never ready for Christmas and this year is no different.

I wrote my Christmas cards last night and wrapped a present for my son, so the key thing to get done today was make a trip to the post office. I was dreading that, knowing how busy it would be. So I tried to go early, but I needed to bake some bread and wash sheets and hang the sheets out on the line (it was up to 22 degrees today, surely they would dry).

I found a parking space at the post office so that was a good sign. The line was long but everyone was full of Christmas cheer, except maybe the postal workers. But we all stood in line and watched people get their photos taken for passports, including one little baby that couldn’t even stand yet; and found out where people were traveling to, warm places of course; and who it was that lived out of town that people were sending packages to; and we all agreed that every year we say we’re not going to wait until the last minute but we always do. Everyone was so friendly we were practically on hugging terms by the time I left.

I ran to a couple different stores for a few grocery items (good thing about winter is you can get groceries and not worry about getting them home right away) and to try to find pants that fit me. It took three stores to find one pair of jeans and a pair of brown corduroys. I’m not sure why I’m so hard to fit. I have to hunt through many brands of size 4’s (a size they don’t seem to carry a lot of anyway) before I find one that’s long enough and doesn’t have a waist that’s too big.

I visited three stores looking for cross country skis. I’ve been getting conflicting advice about what’s needed for skijoring. First I was told I should go with the classic style ski. Then I was told I MUST use the skating style but they didn’t have any boots my size and don’t expect to get any more in because the manufacturers are way behind in production. Huh?

From what I read, I can use either style, it just depends on my preference and how fast I want to go. Since my skiing experience has been downhill and I’ve done a lot of ice skating, the skating style would probably be more familiar to me. But they are more expensive, harder to find, and I think there are more limitations as far as what trails you can go on. So I’m somewhat confused at the moment.

Because Java was with me through all these errands, laying patiently on her doggy bed in the back of the Mini, we had to make a stop at PetSmart so she could go nuts over the dogs and people and toys and bones. It was like having a little kid in Toys R Us! She managed to talk me into buying her a bone and a tug toy, since her old tug toy is pretty chewed up. However, the ball on this one is already falling apart.

dog with tug toy

Something has been kind of weird lately. It doesn’t make any sense and makes even less sense when I try to explain it to someone. At the same time that I’ve been feeling so sad and frightened, I’ve also felt happy and excited. How can that be?

I just know that I’m enjoying myself more. I’ve become quite a talker – cashiers, other customers, just about anyone that makes eye contact. Not because I’m desperate to talk to another living being, like you might be thinking, but just because I want to share a smile, compliment the lady in front of me on her Christmas pin, or show the poor cashier a little sympathy for the difficult customer he just had to handle.

Last week I watched a bunch of little kids and some rather big, elderly kids get their photos taken with Santa and got a good laugh out of it. Things have slowed down. I notice more and enjoy what I notice.

I expect I have things that are coming up that are going to hurt like hell. Some of it is confusing and intimidating, and at times I see myself dangling from a cliff while someone stands above me stomping on my fingers. Still, as much as I would prefer to not be getting divorced, there are things that have happened since H left that would have never happened if we were still together – driving the horse trailer, trail riding every weekend, meeting new friends, deepening my existing friendships, reacquainting myself with my cousin, getting a good start on writing a book (which I will finish, by the way), finding a new church and joining the choir, and getting into this whole cross country skiing and skijoring thing. And I have so much more planned for next year.

Some people might say I’m getting stronger, but I think it’s more that I don’t feel alone anymore. I’ve got so much love and support in my life right now. I guess I feel a lot braver and optimistic because of that.

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  1. I LOVE this post Maery! (Also I’m convinced if angels exist Java might be one) I think what you’re feeling is natural, and how wonderful of you to be so open about it.

    Of course I’m way more into the positive “you realizing you are very good company” part of it than the pining for the D-bag loser part, but both feelings are understandable– sadness and excitement. Excitement will WIN though, because your new life has already begun girl! ~HUG~

  2. Maery Rose…you have turned the corner! That’s what is happening. You are beginning to feel some simple pleasures. Savor them.

    We cross country ski and the last time we bought them, they recommended shorter, wider skis…and the boots are so much nicer than they used to be. (They are much more manageable).

  3. Your pushing through this tough trial sweet girl and finding God has better things for you. I’m just tickled pink that you are enjoying the holiday and your surroundings. Heck, girlfriend, your even spreadin’ the joy. You go girl!

    Have a beautiful day in the Lord!!!

  4. I had to laugh about your jeans shopping experience – I always have trouble finding size 4’s that are *short* enough! Whenever I find a pair of jeans that fits, I buy two pairs of them.

    I’m glad that you are starting to feel more happy and excited – good ot hear!

  5. Maery,

    You sound so much better. I know everything’s not rose-colored but you’re seeing the good side to your big change in life.

    I have exactly the same jeans problem – although maybe worse because I’m pretty darn short!

    As for skijoring, if it were me, I’d go with classical skiing. You can do that anywhere, without a groomed trail. Skating is a tough form of skiing to master, and it requires a groomed track. If you want to be able to go anywhere, state parks etc, then classical would be much better. In fact, very few ski areas have groomed skating trails where they’ll let dogs join you…

  6. Sue – You have such a way with words. ;D You bring a smile to my Sunday.

    Lori – I’m thinking I feel victim to a young male who does not comprehend how a woman in her 50’s skis. I don’t need something that it appears mainly racers use.

    Nezzy – Thanks. Things do seem to be looking upward. At church, I got invited to gather with a group of women tonight for socializing and food! Woo! Hoo!

    Dog Geek – You’d think they’d have more lengths to choose from. I’m not even that tall, just mainly made out of leg with gorilla arms to boot.

    KB – As I said to Lori, I think I fell victim to a young male’s idea of what should be used. I used to skate a lot with downhill skis but I was younger then. There are about 5 parks in the area that have trails for skijoring and sled dogs. The longest one is 9 miles. I suppose I’m going to have to learn proper etiquette for sharing trails.

  7. Yes, I think Java is an angel too.
    (Oh and I hear ya about pants shopping, although mine is way the other way.)
    All the best to you ,dear friend…BIG MASSIVE HUGGING!!!

  8. What a nice, reflective post. Your posts are always so visual in their description! I think you are growing and changing in a lot of positive ways on this journey. I like that you are feeling a bit happier and more joyful, especially spreading it to others at this time of the year, when we all need to be reminded to be a bit more patient or just smile at someone! 🙂
    I am excited to hear how your x-country skiing goes. I have never tried it!

  9. Maery! I’m so happy to hear that you are laughing and enjoying life! You deserve it!!

    And yippee for skijoring! We did a lot of it for years…less the past few years b/c of puppy health issues. Skate skiing is great when you have wide groomed trails…it’s one of THE funnest things ever! But I also love XC skijoring with the guppies in the back country. No matter which way you go you and Java will have a wonderful time! There’s a link to a skijoring adventure we took with 6 of the pups to a nearby skijoring area…it’s on the upper left of my blog. Check it out and you’ll get a giggle or three 🙂

    Give Java a squish for me!

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