Warning – Negative Mood, Frustration, and Anger Lie Ahead

At this time of year, I am usually, like everyone else, thinking about what I want to accomplish in the New Year. But when I try to look forward in time, without someone to share the day to day stuff and the bigger hopes and dreams, it all seems pretty pointless. 

Being in the moment is what so many “experts” and “gurus” advise people to do. And it is a good way to live — not trying to multi-task, check things off a “To Do” list, or see how many activities can be crammed into one day. 

Lately, I stare into space a lot. I read books. I walk. I pet Java and toss her ball. Then I stare into space some more. I don’t actually get anything done that requires planning and steps to carry out, any kind of long term project, like writing a book. Because I can’t stand to look more than an hour into the future.

I did run around to numerous stores, gathering information, checking out prices, until I finally put together my skiing and skijoring equipment. But still, that was pretty small and immediate. When I try to think about what I’d like to grow in a garden next year, all I can do is wonder where I will be living at planting time and that perhaps it will be another gardenless year. At the thought of “two” gardenless years, I somehow launch into feelings that life is passing me by and I’m going to be dead pretty soon, without a garden or a partner to hold my hand as I take my last breath. 

I try to think about planning a trip, but I don’t know when I’ll be able to travel. If the house sells in 2010, I might be busy the whole year with finding a place to live, packing, moving, and gutting out and remodeling the house I end up with, because from what I’m seeing for sale in my price range, they are pits that have been abandoned and are owned by the bank and they have descriptions such as “has potential” or “sold as is”.

People think I should be excited about buying a new house and decorating it to make it uniquely mine. Well, I spent the first three months of 2009 making the house uniquely ours and loving the fact that it was finally done and ready to enjoy. So the thought of having to go through that again just makes me furious. In the mood I’m in about the whole house thing, I don’t think there’s a house on this planet that’s going to do anything but piss me off. Sorry, but I have to be allowed to be angry sometimes, and finding some $%#@-hole house to live in by myself is the one thing that I’m having a hard time keeping cool and calm about. That piece of crap I’m going to live in is going to take most of the “big money haul” I’m getting from this stupid divorce I’ve been dragged through. 

I sure wish venting made me feel better. But it doesn’t. I’m practical, after all, and yelling and screaming and swearing doesn’t change anything. I’m still left with a situation that I can’t twist into a wonderful new beginning no matter how I squint at it.

I looked back at the goals I had written for myself in January 2009 and surprisingly, given how 2009 seemed like a pretty trashed out year, I accomplished quite a few of them. I created a blog, learned to hitch and drive the horse trailer, went trail riding, learned how to make bread from scratch, and made new friends. Blah, blah, blah… you’ve heard this all before.

But I didn’t learn how to can tomatoes because I didn’t have a big garden; I didn’t finish the rough draft of a book, although I did get a start before I gave up again; I didn’t improve my golf game; and I didn’t travel to a tropical place with H.

The majority of things I didn’t accomplish had to do with my relationship with my husband. At the beginning of 2009 I was thinking that since the kids were done with college and I didn’t have any current family illnesses or deaths to deal with, and my health was improving, H and I were going to finally have the time and resources and health to truly focus on us, travel wherever we wanted to, and start enjoying ourselves. H was making similar plans for 2009, unfortunately, they were being made with someone other than me in mind.

I keep saying I’m not going to keep looking in the rearview mirror. I’ve already done all the analysis I can possibly do and it’s time to put that information to good use by thinking about the future.

But I want the same thing in 2010 that I wanted in 2009, someone to journey into the New Year by my side and do all those things that we would plan to do together. So I’m debating whether that’s my main goal for 2010, to find that special someone out there. I know people tell me not to make “finding the man of my dreams” a goal as it will probably only lead to disappointment. It’s funny how the people who tell me I don’t need a man tend to be the people who are happily married, secure, and toasty at night in their beds with someone’s arms around them. No, I don’t NEED a man, I WANT a man.

I mean, what other goals are there for me to make? Finding a house isn’t a goal, it’s something I have to do like buying groceries to feed myself. To be a published author? That’s been a goal for thirty years. Come on! Time to stop wasting my energy on that one. I don’t have a career and I’m too old to get one, so no career goals. Diet and exercise? I don’t need any special effort for either one as every day is filled with physical labor and it’s no fun to eat alone so I don’t eat much.

I need someone to share life and dreams and activities with. I never understood before how anyone could possibly be bored when there is always so much to do. Now I understand this plight completely. No amount or variety of activities does anything to alleviate how bored and unsatisfied I feel at this point in my life.  

So yes, that’s the resolution for 2010 — I will find a man. 

Everything else is just filler.

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  1. I definitely think you have the right to be angry and vent! It’s got to be tough. I haven’t been through it personally, but have seen others that have. Sometimes, divorces can get so nasty. I think deciding to find a man is a good idea. You might find you aren’t ready- or you might be. You won’t know until you put yourself out there. Just don’t have huge expectations, don’t look for the one. Just do things you love and put yourself in situations where you are doing things you love and there are men. Make some friends first. It will happen. A blessed new year to you!!

  2. I have a question for you…do you think H reads your blog? Are you writing this to him? Nothing can stop you from venting and being angry, as you have good reasons…BUT!
    it’s not going to change the situation. You do not have too many choices other than going day by day until you get through this. Now, you are in charge of you and your life…
    recently you sounded much better about all this. What happened today? There are no magic solutions. It’s very hard to MAKE things happen, and it’s even harder if you concentrate on the negative.
    You are going to get through this and will have to go through the hoops to get your house…there is no way around it. Do I sound like the tough love Mom? Sorry…but the Maery Rose I have grown to “know” deserves a fresh start and is capable of having a good life. Tomorrow is another day and I hope you will be able to grab it and run.

  3. Pony Girl – I generally edit out the anger and frustration but it’s part of the package. You have some good advice on how to approach the whole scary dating thing.

    Lori – No! No! No! I don’t think he still reads this and it’s certainly NOT to him since he’s already heard all this stuff directly already! I know him well enough to realize he’s on a mission and once he heads down a road, he doesn’t stop to look around and risk being distracted. Like I said above, I usually edit out the “bad” feelings since no one wants to hear them anyway. This mainly comes out of starting to look at housing options and finding out that no matter what I look at, it just looks like a place for me to rot away. It’s also that the divorce is about final and I feel like I’m being led to my grave. What I’m discovering about myself is that I’m basically a one person dog and right now I don’t have my person so all the other stuff is just stuff to fill the hours. I may enjoy those things, but at the end of the day, I’m still crying myself to sleep.

    All – Dont’ worry. I’ll pull myself together, after all, I’m not very attractive like this. It just probably won’t happen for awhile.

  4. Maery,

    You’re in a tough place right now but… I’ve seen signs that you’re turning the corner. I think that you’ve found or renewed old passions, like being outdoors with Java and trailriding with your horses. And, I’m sure the list is much longer. The future looks scary to many of us, me included. Please realize that you’re not alone, and you have lots of nearby friends and blogger friends pulling for you.

    I think that there’s no need to edit out the anger and frustration. We all need to know that we’re not alone in those feelings. Even those of us with spouses have those feelings.

    And, keep your eyes peeled for that new person who might enter your life. Meeting him could happen in the oddest places. Speaking of which, I met my husband over a cadaver, in a med school anatomy class!

  5. Dear Maery Rose,
    I don’t have any deep words of wisdom since I have never walked down this road you are on, but I do have a lot of love and warmth and hugs to send your way, complete with baby Dragon nuzzles, Guppie pokes, shepherd slurps, sticky Bunny licks, and Flowery whinnies…hoping that Java and Luke and Murphy are extra sweet to you during these sad and frustrating days. You are always in my thoughts,
    Suebeedoo and the critters too

  6. There’s nothing wrong with feelin’ angry and venting can be a cleansing process. Dear Maery Rose you do not need a man to make you complete, you need to see yourself complete before you can share yourself with another. You have grown so much since I started reading and have made huge steps forward. Sure there are goin’ to be days and in the best of worlds life is uncertain for everyone. I pray that you find answers about your future inside yourself.

    I pray you have a blessed year filled with amazing dreams that really do come true.

    God bless you sweet one :o)

  7. KB – Thanks. Your comments always help me out so much. And the way you met your husband gave me a good laugh. Common interests and values are key.

    Sue – Thanks for the cyberspace love and comfort.

  8. Hi Maery Rose, Just my two cents..you have to figure out who you are first..and I think that you are coming along in that respect. A man should never define who or what you are.. I think you have to be a strong you before you can even begin to be half of a good lasting relationship.
    You know what else..you have to allow yourself to be happy:)

  9. Far Side of Fifty is one wise woman. She’s given me helpful advice over at my blog and this time she speaks the truth.

    I’m one of those married gals you mentioned, but even though I’ve been married for 20 years I’ve not even shared the same bed as my husband for 6 of those years…almost 7 actually. But I don’t pine away for a man either.

    I like my space and don’t need the drama that a man places in my life.
    Maybe I’ve not met or married the right man? I don’t know, but if I were to divorce, I wouldn’t head out looking for another man to take my husband’s place that’s for sure.

    I’d do some things I wanted to do untethered, free, uncomplicated, drama-free. I’d hoop it up with some girlfriends. Maybe sell out and buy a little camper and travel across the country exploring. I’d ride lots of trail horses for sure.

    But my kids are still young, so my life is too complicated and those dreams aren’t a reality.
    You have different options and much more freedom. Doors are being opened to you. Don’t be afraid to walk through them and see the unique and exciting opportunities being offered to you!

    Tijeras, NM

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