Alice in Wonderland

storm clouds
Throughout most of the Spring and Summer we didn’t get any rain and now it’s like it won’t stop. Our pool is almost overflowing.

pool after rain

But no weather fazes Java. It looks like she’s doing some sort of celebratory rumba.

dog running

I wish I could be more like Java. I’ve been told by more than one person that I should consider seeing someone about taking an anti-depressant. I’d love to be able to take a magic pill to feel happy, but I know that’s not what anti-depressants are or what they do for anyone taking them. I know this because I’ve been on several kinds. I’ve also gone off of all of them because they were not a magic pill and in fact, didn’t seem to do much of anything for me.

I mean, what is depression? Am I depressed or am I in a temporary state of sadness at the recent events in my life? I’m not sure, as my life has such frequent ups and downs that I feel like a yo yo. I can’t remember prolonged periods of happiness because life events just haven’t allowed for that. But does that mean I’ve been depressed my entire life?

sad face

I could try one of the anti-depressants I’ve never tried before. They come out with a new one every few months. But I’m reluctant to experiment with my brain chemistry. Either I can cope with the state of my life with faith in God, a healthy diet and exercise, and my sick sense of humor, or else I think I’m screwed.

This is not to question or put down anyone who takes anti-depressants because I do believe they can work and are a life-saver for many people. I just don’t believe they work for this specific person. Although, when that carrot is dangled in front of me, of bringing my contentment and confidence level up to a 5 (on a scale of 1 to 10), with the possibility of then building up to — gasp, possibly an 8! — it’s very tempting to give medication another try.

horse taking carrot

But a pill is not going to love me and take me out to dinner. And it’s not going to shoo the fear away. It might help me manage existing with the fear better, but I don’t want something to make the fear easier to take. I want to beat fear with a broom until it is a miniscule layer of dust that disappears harmlessly through the cracks in the floor!

I want fear to know that:
  • I DO have friends. They may be awfully-darn-busy friends and none of them are horse people, but I will have visitors if I’m hospitalized (these are the sorts of things I worry about). And they will keep encouraging me and comforting me through this as long as I allow them to.
  • I am not listening to fear’s message that “Your friends are going to all abandon you because you are such a drag to be around so it’s best to push them all away before they get the chance to disappear.” This is actually, word-for-word, what fear tells me. Rubbish! I mean, if nothing else, they’re going to stick around out of curiosity to see what happens next.
  • No matter what happens financially, I will not end up living under a bridge with Java and Luke. Instead, I’ll end up living in my sister’s basement. ;D

    Seriously, I was the main breadwinner in a previous marriage. Before marrying H, I worked overtime and I worked two jobs to make ends meet. At one point, I was also a single-mother with only $100 in child support coming in. Through it all, I’ve paid off my cars, owned a house, boarded a horse, and had money in savings.

    I’ll do what I have to do. I refuse to spend my time worrying about money. Something is going to break one way or another in the financial and job area of my life. Believe it.

  • money

  • Okay fear, you have a point, there doesn’t seem to be any way around the loneliness. No matter how many friends I make, or how busy I am with activities or travel, or whatever fun-filled thing I come up with, I’m still lonely. In my opinion, there is nothing equivalent to being in a loving, long-term marriage.
    • The way you know each other better than anyone else.
    • The way you support each others dreams.
    • The way you cheer for each others successes.
    • The way you comfort each other through disappointments and hurts.
    • The indignation you express when someone dares to not think your spouse is as wonderful as you think [s]he is.
    • And the security of someone having your back and picking up the slack when you are under-the-weather.
    • Okay, so I didn’t have that from H, and yes, I was lonely with him too. But I want to have those things and to give those things to someone. Maybe, when my life is a little more settled, I can put some of that love and energy, that has no where to go right now, into working at an animal shelter or a stable that does horse therapy work with kids or something like that.

My life will eventually consist of more than working, trying to keep the house “showing ready”, shoveling manure, pulling weeds, taking the dog for a walk, riding my horses, buying groceries, making and eating meals by myself, washing clothes, checking out boarding facilities and rental housing, and watching one Tivo’d television program before I go to bed.

My life will not always be so dull and self-absorbed. There will eventually be some adventure and loving in the mix.

Yee haw!

happy face

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  1. I find my animals do wonders for me when I am in a down mood. All I have to do is look at a cat, dog or horse and everything is better!
    I just sent off an application to a local animal shelter to volunteer. I have always wanted to do it, but in the past working full time and taking care of all the animals and a house, I couldn’t find the time. Now I feel it is a good time since I am still not working, I can still look for a job, and get out of the house for a bit to help animals. I am very excited!
    I think you are doing a great job with what has been dealt to you. Like I’ve said before, I couldn’t imagine going through what you have been going through.
    Hang in there girl!

  2. Yay Mary! If you can talk to fear like that, you’re going to be OK.

    But seriously, if you start feeling truly hopeless, ask your doc for help. I’ve been through a ‘major depression’, and it was possibly the worst thing that I’ve ever experienced. Pills, therapy, and time healed me, and it’s been gone for more than 10 years. But, I’ll never forget it – so ask for help if you need it.

    Like PaintGirl, my animals do wonders for me. Try teaching each of them a new trick or looking at the world from their perspective during walks/rides. Maybe it’ll help.

    Yee haw!

  3. Paint Girl – Yes, Java is a natural born clown and always seems to make me smile and laugh at just the moment when I most need it. I’ve wanted to volunteer at a shelter because I’d hope it would be like my old stable job and allow me to use some of my better skills. You’ll have to post about how your volunteer thing goes.

    RFRW – It’s kind of a wait and see on moving to California. It’s such an expensive place to live and not too many jobs but it sure would be great to live near family and meet more of my sis’s friends.

    KB – Major meltdown after work when my ex took the truck and trailer I was planning on using tomorrow morning to go riding at the state park. I’d been looking forward to it all week. But regrouping and I’ll take Java for a walk instead. Keep working on her manners when we run into other dogs. Thank for the words of wisdom. I’m not too proud to ask for help if I need it so I’ll keep that option open.

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