I had mediation with my husband and our attorneys yesterday. Nothing unexpected, well, maybe a little unexpected.
It’s hard to be the person from the marriage who is still so emotional about it. Who is still hurting. It’s hard to see 10 years of your life suddenly turn into a bunch of numbers. To have the calculators clicking and the figures thrown out there like it was just nothing but property and accounts. To have his attorney repeatedly say with exasperation, “We just want to get this over with.”
Over with? I’m not sure when this will be “over with” for me.
I need to stop looking for the man I married, just searching for a final glimpse. I’m not sure why I do this. I can’t find him. He only exists in my memories and even those need to be put away, at least for now.
I know that’s how divorce is, but that doesn’t make it any easier to see your love, your time, your commitment, everything you put into that relationship, all your hopes and dreams turned into numbers on a piece of paper.
Another point in the mediation that really got to me because my emotions got mixed in with it was my old house. I bought that house before I met him, when I was a single Mom. I’d lived with my own Mom for about 7 years before I had enough money to put towards that house. It meant so much to me to do that on my own. Yet in divorce, it turned into everything he put into it during the two years we lived there after our marriage. God, that hurt. A lot. But I guess I have a chance to do the house on my own again now. Hopefully, it will be a joyous experience like it was back then.
I left mediation in a daze, spent 30 minutes walking around in freezing temperatures because I couldn’t find the parking ramp I was in, and on my drive home suddenly looked around and panicked because I didn’t recognize the road I was on.
I was actually almost home, it’s just that nothing looked familiar. I guess it’s a brain reaction to feeling like I don’t know where I am, who I am, or where I’m going.
I used to sing and play piano to this old Emmylou Harris song many moons ago. It was one of my favorites to perform because of the piano solo and the gutsy voice you can put into it. It has new meaning for me now.
“The way he left sure turned my head around. Seemed like overnight he just up and put me down. Ain’t gonna let it bother me today. I been workin’ and I’m too tired anyway. But it’s all right…”
Or it will be, even without the wine.