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Two More Bottles of Wine

I had mediation with my husband and our attorneys yesterday. Nothing unexpected, well, maybe a little unexpected.


It’s hard to be the person from the marriage who is still so emotional about it. Who is still hurting. It’s hard to see 10 years of your life suddenly turn into a bunch of numbers. To have the calculators clicking and the figures thrown out there like it was just nothing but property and accounts. To have his attorney repeatedly say with exasperation, “We just want to get this over with.”

Over with? I’m not sure when this will be “over with” for me.

I need to stop looking for the man I married, just searching for a final glimpse. I’m not sure why I do this. I can’t find him. He only exists in my memories and even those need to be put away, at least for now.

I know that’s how divorce is, but that doesn’t make it any easier to see your love, your time, your commitment, everything you put into that relationship, all your hopes and dreams turned into numbers on a piece of paper.

Another point in the mediation that really got to me because my emotions got mixed in with it was my old house. I bought that house before I met him, when I was a single Mom. I’d lived with my own Mom for about 7 years before I had enough money to put towards that house. It meant so much to me to do that on my own. Yet in divorce, it turned into everything he put into it during the two years we lived there after our marriage. God, that hurt. A lot. But I guess I have a chance to do the house on my own again now. Hopefully, it will be a joyous experience like it was back then.

I left mediation in a daze, spent 30 minutes walking around in freezing temperatures because I couldn’t find the parking ramp I was in, and on my drive home suddenly looked around and panicked because I didn’t recognize the road I was on.

I was actually almost home, it’s just that nothing looked familiar. I guess it’s a brain reaction to feeling like I don’t know where I am, who I am, or where I’m going.

I used to sing and play piano to this old Emmylou Harris song many moons ago. It was one of my favorites to perform because of the piano solo and the gutsy voice you can put into it. It has new meaning for me now.

“The way he left sure turned my head around. Seemed like overnight he just up and put me down. Ain’t gonna let it bother me today. I been workin’ and I’m too tired anyway. But it’s all right…”

Or it will be, even without the wine.

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15 Comments

  1. That sounds very painful to me, like a day that must have left you drained beyond words. Take care of yourself. Do something nice for yourself (good idea, skipping the two bottles of wine). I’m thinking of you.

  2. I’ve been following your blog for awhile but didn’t feel the NEED to comment until today.

    I feel your pain, like I haven’t felt in years. When my own divorce occurred, I didn’t take the time to deal with it.

    What you experienced on your ride home is called anxiety. Please make sure you have some help within calling distance. In my personal experience, it can be a precursor to panic attacks and in my case black outs.

    Repeat after me…”and this, too, shall pass…” alternate with ” better days are coming”

    I’m singing this one, quite a bit, these days

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFG9dwolo3Q

  3. My heart goes out to you. Too bad you just can’t turn the emotional pain off like a light-switch. The scars run very deep I’m sure. In time they will heal, in time you will get all this behind you. This I can say with authority, God has something and someone very special just for you. May He be your comfort and your strength right now. Take care of yourself and I’ll sure remember you in my prayers.

    Have a better day just resting in His arms, ’cause he cares for YOU beautiful gal!!!

  4. I’m so sorry you’re going through this Maery, it’s hardly fair.
    I’ll bet when you find that perfect new place for you, you’ll make it really cute and with more YOU in it.
    That does sound a lot like anxiety…but who can blame you.

  5. That would be a tough day for anyone – don’t feel bad about feeling bad! And don’t feel like you have to grieve on anyone else’s time table. You will get through all this, but you will find your own way through.

  6. Maery Rose…It sounds like you are getting to the final stages of this divorce. I sure hope you end up with something that you can use as a fresh start. Hang on woman! You are almost there. One day at a time…keep breathing. It’s amazing how your emotions can have such power over you. Anxiety can definitely play tricks on you. You seem to have a lot of support out here…and understanding for what you are going through. You can do this.

  7. KB – My brain was still a bit muddled today but I went to work, then choir practice and tomorrow I’m getting together with a couple friends. I’m doing some ski research too. Trying to look forward.

    Anonymous – Thanks for stopping by and commenting. Yesterday was another hill to climb. I’m sure there will be more.

    Nezzy – Thanks for your prayers. That means a lot to me.

    Lynn – Looking forward to seeing you guys tomorrow and eating lots of chocolate.

    GP – I have GPS (God, Prayer, and Spirit) to guide me in moments like these.

    PG – I miss you!

    Dog Geek – Thanks for recognizing something that often people don’t get. It’s not that I’ve gone completely backwards but there are many layers to this grief to work through.

    Roxanne – Thanks, thanks, thanks. =)

  8. Lori – You must have been commenting at the same time I was cause you weren’t there a minute ago. I ran into someone today who said “You must be anxious to have this over with.” And actually, no I’m not. How can I be anxious for something I don’t want?

    I guess I want the pain to end, but when the judge signs off on the divorce, I will be diving to a whole new depth of pain and I haven’t figured out yet how I’m going to protect myself from that. It will be one of many times that I really wish my sisters were here.

  9. I’m so happy to see all these comments– all these women in your corner. Count me among them! I’m sorry you have to experience this pain.

    One thing that worked for me during a tough time was writing what I wanted my life to look like a year ahead, and I wrote it as if it were already true. “When I get up the first thing i see is __” etc.

    If you do this repeatedly, I don’t know if it puts something out there in the universe or what, but it works– you get there.
    Hang in there hon.

  10. Sue – I’ve been starting to think about doing something similar, kind of a vision for 2010 and beyond.

    Far Side – It is sad, but at least I’m getting back up faster.

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