Well it’s the first day of December. Where are my 50,000 words for NaNoWriMo? Nowhere.
Okay, so I did 19,927 words before fear and gloom won out. Again.
I feel like a football player who’s had 10 players pile on top of him after the tackle. Someone please throw a flag! And get that darn elbow out of my ribs!
I started the novel writing effort to try and head off the blues and anxiety that were in hot pursuit. I thought that if I could follow through on something I started, actually complete a goal, then I would be okay. That worked really well for me, didn’t it?
I’ve been told that I’ll be fine. Things will get better. That I’m a strong woman.
Oh sure, I can be brave when it comes to pushing myself physically beyond what’s wise, or draw my sword and face off inanimate objects like a horse trailer or animals that are mindless with their own fear.
But ask me to make a phone call or approach an actual live person to ask a question or approach someone to ask them how their daughter is doing, whose name I can’t remember because my memory sucks, which is another anxiety producer, and I freeze in my tracks. Or I ramble….
I’m afraid of forgetting what I meant to say.
If I’m ordering something, I might forget what exactly it was I wanted.
They might ask me a question I don’t know how to answer. Is my answer the right one? Or are they smirking on the other end of the line?
Or my brain might freeze and I’ll start tripping up on my words.
For crying out loud, besides the script I write for myself, I also write down my address and phone number before I make a phone call just in case I become so nervous that I can’t remember even the most basic information.
I exaggerate, but not much, and I have experienced all these fears. Most of the time now, I’ve moved beyond complete terror. But then life bucks me into the dirt — too many things need to be decided and taken care of all at once; too many things are unknown and out of my control; I can’t seem to break things down into manageable pieces because it seems like it all needs to be taken care of RIGHT NOW — and that’s when the fear hits the worst.
I become so frozen I can no longer do any of it, which only makes me more afraid because besides me, who else is going to do these things? If you’ve never experienced this kind of freeze frame, then you are fortunate indeed.
I know I have this really together image to uphold here and all, so I really shouldn’t admit that I have a few issues. I mean, after all, I generally do a pretty good job of looking like everyone else. Probably because everyone else has their own issues.
Please tell me that you do…
And in the midst of all this lameness and trying to drag my ass off the floor, I discover my hay supplier has run out of hay. But people respond to my plea for help here and on Facebook by calling around and asking farmers they know about hay and giving me suggestions on where else to look for it, and a couple people volunteered to help me load and unload hay. These offers of help mean so much to me.
And once more, Maery rose.
All is not lost. I think I found a 100 bales of hay, I just need to go check and make sure it’s as good as the guy says it is.
And I didn’t write 50,000 words in November but I wrote quite a bit, and just because November is over doesn’t mean I can’t keep working on my story.
And on Saturday, I took Java for a walk, then I took Luke for a ride. I wasn’t sure how well my ride would go since I haven’t trail ridden for about three weeks. Plus it was 2:30 by the time I started riding and the sun sets by 4:30 so the ride was very “purposeful”. We trotted and cantered most of it, which might be the key to not having any horse trouble on the trail — keep moving — because I had a great ride with no shying or acting up.
And I talked to my son and heard about how he made potato salad from scratch. He gets the same kind of reaction that I do when he makes something. “YOU made that?” said with absolute incredulity.
And speaking of cooking, I made this delicious turkey tortilla soup. I boiled up my turkey carcass with celery, carrots, and onions to make turkey broth, which I then used in the soup. I kind of followed the recipe – the diced tomatoes, onions, cumin, green chiles, corn, and broth, but I used my leftover turkey meat instead of ground turkey, added garlic, salsa, salt and pepper. And it turned out yummy.
Life is good or at least food is good.
And when all else fails to cheer me up, Java is always good for a laugh. This is how Java looks after I arrive home from work or from running errands. “Play with me… NOW,” says Java, in Terminator voice or voice of governor of California, whichever is scarier to you.