Writing

Where is That Darn Open Door?

I was going to shutdown my blog today. Spare anyone who reads this from watching me crash and burn. I’m feeling unfit for human consumption. 

I swore I wouldn’t let myself act like a victim ever again, but lack of sleep has left me open to emotions and thoughts I didn’t think I’d ever experience again.

I’m so tired of crying. I don’t even know how it is humanly possible to shed this many tears. Is that why I’m always thirsty? 

One of my friends asked me how I was doing and I said I was trying to figure out how to tie a noose. She thought I was kidding and commented on my funny sense of humor. Okay. So I was kidding. My sense of humor is pretty warped.

I want to quit. I want to give up on everything because nothing seems to matter without H in my life. Is that stupid or what?! That’s what I tell myself, is that it’s stupid! But I really believe that if he doesn’t see my worth, then I don’t have any, if he doesn’t love me, then no else ever will — except family because they’re stuck with me. I have made this man a god. In my mind, I am nothing without him. Stupid!!!

I know I’ve accomplished things in my life. I know I am good at some things. I know that some people actually like me, that they believe lots of good things about me. But I just assume that’s because they haven’t lived with me. They don’t know me like H does or they wouldn’t like me either. Repeat it again. Stupid!

I hate that I’ve become a problem for H to resolve – a financial transaction to settle – and as quickly as possible, please. He’s in a “me” place; while I’m in an “us” place. He’s dividing things up — this is mine and this is hers; while I’m looking at things and remembering how we discussed it, picked it out, worked on it, and enjoyed it. 

Yesterday, I read an article online titled Some Common Reasons Men Leave Relationships” by Brenda Shoshanna that said:“Though there are many more factors contributing to men leaving relationships, a common theme appears through all of them. The men are not necessarily responding to the woman they are leaving, but to their own inner needs, conflicts and dreams. Often they experience the woman in their lives simply as a part of their own sense of self. It is not the woman herself who necessarily causes the man to leave, but the man’s feelings about himself, his own inner fantasy and quest.”

This might make me feel better except that it sounds like something someone would say to make you feel better.

I had lunch with my cousin A yesterday and we joked around about the quote from Helen Keller, “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

A and I concurred that at times we feel like we are desperately looking for that open door but we’re in a locked room with no windows and we’re groping around in the dark trying to find the darn light switch.

Cousin A and Mary

Cousin A and I in happier times in my kitchen
I want to quit trying to look. I want to quit writing, quit riding, quit doing anything that makes me “me” because I’ve decided “me” is not a good thing to be.

But the one thing about writing a blog, is you can’t stop living or you have nothing to write about. So this blog is my lifeline that forces me to remain a part of this world and I dare not quit writing it now.

So I apologize for including you in my ugly little journey. You can always come back in a year and see what happened to me. 

I’m hoping there will still be a few moments of humor and insight. So I will leave you for now with a photo of my “happy shoes”. They make me feel young at heart.

Happy Shoes

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8 Comments

  1. Writing is a good healer. It will get you through this hard time. I like your happy shoes! 🙂
    Time heals all wounds. I bet one year from now, you will look back and be amazed at these blog posts. Give yourself time, these feelings won’t go away overnight, and they’re normal. You’ve got to get through the stages…through the trenches….there is a rainbow on the other side. Hang in there!

  2. Pony Girl couldn’t have said it better!
    Don’t give up on riding, writing and being you! You are an amazing woman and I know you will get through this! I have never been through anything like what you are going through, could never even imagine it. I am so sorry you have to go through it. Just know that you are in my thoughts during this difficult time!

  3. Hugs to you…..sounds like you need them. No words of wisdom from me, but lots of sympathy. I’ve been in a similar boat lately, thinking about shutting down the blog because I feel like I mostly just have crappy stuff to talk about, and yet I don’t want to drag anyone down so I haven’t been posting it (it’s not something big like you’re going thru, but a huge amount of smaller things and feels too whiny and “poor me” for my taste to share), mostly just been posting photos of puppies and flowers. Anyhow, no wonderful words of wisdom from me, but lots of hugs and a heartfelt “I hear ya!” on the depression front. Love the happy shoes, I have a couple of pairs of happy shoes myself!

  4. Great advice from Pony Girl, Paint Girl, and Meg. Don’t close your blog. You need a place to express your feelings, and as your friends here in the blogging world we are here for you.Those who don’t, won’t. But we do CARE, and I am thinking of you. Like Meg said, we all have stuff going on in our lives. Cowboy and I have had some real life changes in the last couple years. Things we never thought would happen to us. Hang in there, and remember we are here for you! Lots of HUGS.

  5. Your shoes are cool. I suggest you print this particular post and save it in a box of other stuff for a future “torch the past” bonfire, when you’re ready.

    Once you’re past this gross horrid phase and he’s gone (and good riddance from the sound of it), have a bunch of chick pals over, drink a bunch of good wine, and burn baby burn. You’ll rise into your new life like a phoenix.

    BTW– kayaking sunday???

  6. Mary, Don’t you DARE close down this blog…I’ve been stuck in the middle of crazy egos, stupid people, arrogance, and cruelty….all having to do with one beautiful little innocent animal and my heart has been battered from dealing with it all. But vising with the friends I have made via blogs, and you are Oh.So.Included in that circle-well, it makes my heart heal.

    I would be so incredibly sad to lose this connection with you…even though I know things are really difficult for you right now and your heart is broken, you must understand that by writing and sharing you are keeping these connections open.

    You have people who love who you are-who think you are a pillar of strength, you think your “warped” sense of humor is hilarious, and who are here-getting to know your heart through your words-because we WANT to be here.

    Don’t you dare go away…I need you. We need you. Please don’t go away.

    And…if it helps at all…Baby Snapdragon just whispered in my ear that if you close this blog she will have to hunt you down and open up a can of baby mustang whoopass on you 🙂

    Those naughty little dragonflies…you never know when they might go ballistic on you 😀

    Sending you a tremendously huge hug and hoping that you see the wisdom is all that we are saying 🙂
    xoxoxoxoXO,
    Suebeedoo and the ridiculous crew 🙂

  7. Mary…ditto the above. You should write whatever works for you…it will keep you from exploding. You have a lot of people pulling for you out here that don’t want you to give up on anything. Men are different! You can’t make things change in your relationship unless you both want it. Be strong and accept support. I love the comment above about you printing out the post and looking at it a year from now. Don’t ever think that you can never be in a relationship again. Hug your animals today…they all love you.

  8. Thanks to all of you. I don’t know if you realize how healing your words are. I’m so glad I started blogging before the divorce announcement. I don’t know what I’d do without your support. I hope I can do the same for you when you need it, and even when you don’t.

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

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