Unbraiding a Life

The weather has been nice the last couple days. Thoughts of sitting on the deck with friends, talking and enjoying a beer, are dancing in my head. I keep trying to push these thoughts away and picture something else. But I don’t have any pictures to replace them with. 

I forget that my husband doesn’t want to enjoy the summer with me. Out of habit, I want to ask him what we’re doing Friday night.

Our lives were so intertwined or at least his was with mine. I don’t know how to unbraid it. To separate the strands and follow the one that’s me. Or what’s me now, with all the kinks imprinted from where he used to be.  

Is even staying in the place I currently work too hard? It feels like someplace I no longer belong, even after working there for 29 years. It’s where we met. It’s where we are known. Even my identity there feels so tied to him. How do I stand walking past his office and no longer seeing my pictures there?

He’s made some sort of cognitive leap that I can’t seem to grasp. Maybe it helps if someone is waiting to catch you, someone like he has. Someone who encourages you that what you are doing is the right thing to do. That says the things you want to hear. Someone you can dream a new life with. Someone with whom you can imagine the life you think you don’t have now. A possibility.

Unfortunately, the only pictures I carry in my head of a future are his future, with someone else. The hurt of being so easily replaced. Of wondering if you ever meant anything at all because he’s talking about you and your life together as if you were an old shirt that no longer fits or perhaps is a color he no longer prefers.

This is not about what he’s done because I don’t want to argue out or drone on about that. This is about how it makes me feel and how I’m going to deal with that and move on. 

I don’t know right now. So I ramble…

My husband almost died from an illness when he was in college. He says it gives you a different perspective on life. You don’t want’ to waste time.

I understand that life is short, and living your life to the fullest is more important that accumulating money or things. But I don’t understand not working through problems and not communicating. Not living life to the fullest with the person you married.  

I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. To roll in my despair like a pig in a mud puddle. 

I’m gathering right now. Gathering my wits and trying to vomit out the crap.

So to bring a little cheer into my life and hopefully yours, I thought I’d post a couple photos that always make me laugh.

ontoon Ride

Pontoon ride – Posed every so prettily in the front is my sister T and I. In the back are my brother S, Dad, and Uncle P who are distracted by something off to the side.
Pontoon Ride

“Oh! You’re taking a photo!” I love the smiles on those guys and my Dad’s jovial wave. Good times…

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  1. I love the photos – you and your sister look so similar.

    And, even though you’re writing about a very painful subject, you’re eloquent. You’re a good writer.

    The ‘someone else’ part must make this even harder. Hang in there.

  2. Those pictures are wonderful! In the first one the guys are all looking to the right than in the second one they realize their picture is being taken! I got a good laugh out of that!

  3. It’s always interesting to see “familial smiles”. Great pics. Not a very comforting thought, or original, but sometimes the universe really gives you a good hard shove in a new direction. Follow your instincts, just listen hard and don’t be rash.

  4. Awesome photos! Hugs for you if you’d like them. You’re in my thoughts and prayers.

    In re: your comment on my blog…it seems like you should be able to plant bush green beans in a large container (I have a pait of 1′ X 2′ self watering containers I’ll be growing some bush beans in this year). Then you don’t have to worry about trying to move some large unwieldy container and trellis contraption. Or if you have any large windowbox style containers that might also work for bush beans.

  5. What a tough time you are having, but I am hoping that writing it down is helping you sort it out and heal. It does amaze me that things can change so suddenly, or even slowly, over time. How do you go from loving someone so much you devote the rest of your life to them…..to not wanting to be with them at all? How do you let someone go? Or with the divorces that are so nasty and a couple does awful things to each other…it’s like love is the other side of hate. It makes me fear marriage a bit. Sometimes I worry about it. Maybe that is why I am still single? 🙂
    Have a great weekend!

  6. Mary….I agree, your writing is great! and today, you sound like you are getting stronger. You are going in the right direction. Hang on girl….

  7. All – I’m glad you enjoyed the photos. Being able to write about what I’m going through is a big help in dealing with things.

    Ari – Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I read a little of your blog and love your sense of humor. I’ll be reading more so I can try and keep my laugh on.

    Sue – To say that what’s happening is a blessing would be going too far, but I am growing in surprising ways from this.

    Meg – Thanks for the bean advice. I’d hate to not be able to at least have tomatoes and green beans to enjoy this summer.

    Pony Girl – I won’t say too much here as I’m going to write something about relationships soon. Suffice to say that I see a lot of good relationships out there so I know there’s hope.

    Lori and KB – Thanks for the positive things you say about my writing. Encouragement at a time when you are receiving so much discouragement is a big help. It’s part of what is helping me be strong.

  8. Hi Mary,
    I’m so sorry I’ve been away…you’ve been in my thoughts in between all of the mustang craziness over here…

    Oh my gosh, you and your sister are beautiful, and your dad was a RIOT!!!! That wave is the best…and the smiles! Thanks for bringing a big smile to my face tonight!

    Amazing, isn’t it…you are going through such a difficult time, yet there you are making others smile 🙂

    As far as the “someone else…” Oh poop…poop poop and more poop. I know that has to make everything even more difficult, and I can hear the pain as you write about it. I am so sorry 🙁

    I had to unbraid my life from a long time boyfriend’s a little over a decade ago. I understand those moments, where you want to ask what you’re doing together over the weekend. I don’t know what the future holds for you and him, but now my ex and I are best friends-we talk every day, he pops by a few times a week, and my hubby and his soon to be wife all get along really well.

    It took time, but in the end we agreed that we were too close to just walk away.

    I always hold some hope that everyone who breaks up will one day find some sort of friendship together, and that they’ll maybe both agree that being friends works even better than being married.

    I know-pretty naive thought isn’t it? But I guess I have faith in people’s hearts.

    Thinking of you a lot and sending lots of strength your way-because I know this is a difficult difficult time.


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