Woman on a Journey

From Melancholy to Extraordinary

I passed my X at work today. It struck me how awkward I felt just saying hello. How can you be with someone for over 10 years and feel so clumsy just saying hello?

You know how it is when you get in a fight with your best friend and you stop speaking and it just keeps haunting you? Maybe you don’t, but I do and this ending of a marriage feels much the same way. He was, after all, my best friend… until he wasn’t.

My life has opened up since we divorced. I’ve been let out of a box and I love what I get to do now and the people I get to be with. Yet I struggle with the opposing feelings of knowing that I’m better off, and still missing the person I met eleven years ago. He’s not the same man now as the one I met back then. In the same way that I am not the same woman that he chose to divorce. I feel a million miles away from that woman. But maybe it’s only apparent to me.

Which is why it’s so awkward, seeing him like that.

In essence, we are strangers. But I still see him, or the person I used to know. And I wonder if he sees me or if he just sees a mistake.

I heard the song “Hurt” sung by Johnny Cash on the way to work this morning. The line that got the tears going was:

“Everyone i know, goes away in the end.” 

Too much truth to that statement.

And one of my biological brothers is in town, the one who was given up for adoption a little over a year after I was. Talking about our feelings and experiences kind of gets to me too. I feel like my nerves are on top of my skin. Too raw and exposed.

After finishing my work in the building my X works in, I drove to the building I work at. I heard the song “Better Things To Do” by Sharon Jones while I was driving. In that song, the line I clung to was:

“I got a new life and I’m feeling right on
My head is high and my spirit is strong”

Not to abruptly switch topics and moods, but I do that sometimes, I just have to say that — the fence was finished today! I had to work until 7 PM so I couldn’t see the last piece that went up very well in the dark.

Yesterday, this side piece went up and Java was checking it out.

She found a stick too. I think she’ll be dragging quite a few limbs (of the tree branch kind) out from the woods unless I clean them up somehow.

One last song. I heard this one on my way home, “Extraordinary Machine” sung by Fiona Apple.

“If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can’t help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I’ll make the most of it, I’m an extraordinary machine “

That’s how I’d like to think of myself, an extraordinary machine that makes the most of wherever life takes me.

(You may want to fast forward past the first 20 seconds of the video…)

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8 Comments

  1. Maery Rose…you are extraordinary! What a far cry from your posts earlier this year! It just took awhile to get there…you are such a strong woman.

    Love the fence. Java must be one happy girl.

  2. The fence looks great!

    Isn’t it funny how songs can reflect out moods and be there just at the right time…. or wrong time, too.

    Hang in there.

  3. What a cool song– I love her! You have come a Loooong way in the last year for sure. And it would be weird seeing him. It’s like a death. If he ever was the guy you thought he was (which I doubt, i bet you gave him too much credit), that guy is not who he is now. True. I doubt he sees you for who you are now, because he sounds too self-absorbed to see anyone besides himself.
    I’ve said it a bunch of times now– but your amazingness was completely wasted on him. You’re well rid of him sweetie. 🙂

  4. Wow ~ what a wonderful post Maery. My heart was actually hurting when I read the rawness of your emotions. Before I read the other comments, I was going to say (almost verbatim) what Sue said. It seems that it is in the darkness that we find ourselves. You are doing a great job navigating that pain and all those uncharted waters. The best revenge is a life well-lived, and your life is sounding richer all the time. One foot in front of the other until you can run. Be gentle with yourself. Kathleen

  5. Wonderful post. I can relate to what you’re saying. That awkwardness took years to fade after my divorce, and it’s so difficult to face. Thanks for posting the video, too. Sometimes I think the way music appears when it’s needed is the best form of serendipity.

  6. You are and extraordinary machine girl and you have a new life holdin’ your head high with a strong spirit. I’ve never gone through a divorce but I can only imagine how difficult it is for you to run into your ex.

    I loved seein’ Java roamin’ outside, I bet he is one happy camper!

    God bless and have a great day sweetie!!!

  7. You have changed… I can hear it in your words. I think that both the good and bad events in our lives can end up changing us for the better. It sounds like that’s the path that you’re heading down.

    When you said “limbs”, I visualized deer limbs, elk limbs, rabbit limbs… the kind that I see in my forest! Smiles.

  8. Lori – Java is very happy girl! She ran the perimeter like it was a race track.

    Tammy – Yes, the days music was meant just for me I think.

    Sue – I wouldn’t be quite that hard on the guy. Or that easy on me, although I am so utterly fascinating I can’t imagine what he was thinking. =D Thanks for saying those things though. ; )

    Kathleen – One thing I appreciate is that the hurt doesn’t send me as far down and I flip back up pretty quickly now. There’s just no time to drown. Too much fun to be had for that.

    Katy – You mean it starts to fade at some point? I look forward to that.

    Nezzy – It will be even better when I can get a video of Java romping around! Thanks for your sweetness.

    KB – Thanks for seeing and hearing. You’re good at that sort of thing. As soon as I typed the word limbs certain pictures jumped into my head and I figured I better clarify what kind of limbs I meant.

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