I Had a Dream

I had a dream, that I would live happily ever after with the man I loved.
I had a dream, that we would love each other and take care of each other.
Always.
I had a dream…
And I remind myself.
No I yell at myself.
To try and get through to the heart that says it just can’t be.
But it is.
It doesn’t matter to him anymore what you feel.
Or what you ever felt for him.
Open your eyes and see.
Accept it.
Don’t look back.
Move on.
Let it go.

I had a dream, that turned into a nightmare.
Again.
That I can’t wake up from.
So dream of something else.
Something that has a chance of being.
Something small.
Not too grand.
A dog.
And a horse.
And a story.
Not a happily-ever-after story.
But a story none-the-less.
I thought if I could leave my job and this state after everything is settled, if I could go somewhere completely unfamiliar to me, with no memories there, good or bad, then maybe I could start over.

Possibly that would have helped, more likely it wouldn’t, because I don’t think you can sneak out in the middle of the night and leave your heart behind.

And there’s reality. Damn reality…

Unemployment continues to rise and people in my age group struggle to find jobs. Even the most encouraging people I know tell me I’d be crazy to leave my job. But then there’s our manager, who reminds us about once a month that our jobs end in 2012. No one seems to take him seriously, except me.

So, as I usually do when I feel as though things are crumbling around me, I created a plan.
  • Keep writing even if it appears to be total crap that will never see the light of day. Writing is what has helped me weather storms, to make sense out of a world and a life that often clearly doesn’t make sense to me. So finish the story. No matter what. Finish the story. It may change everything. Or, it may not. But finish the story.
  • Get outside on the weekends as much as possible. Do not sit around the house and think too much.
  • I’ve been researching kayaking with a dog and found quite a few people do it, but the dog has to be very well trained (like if you plan to fish, not to fetch the lure when you cast) and you should be an experienced kayaker. So those are two hefty goals to attain. Not to mention that I don’t even have a kayak. Work on the training for now. Worry about the kayak later. I can’t kayak in the winter anyway, although I did see a video once on TV of someone sliding down a ski hill in a kayak. I think they were carried away on a stretcher.
  • Focus on someone other than myself. Find something I can do to help out someone else. Doesn’t have to be anything huge – a phone call, support through a difficult time or for a dream someone is on their way to fulfilling, or see if anyone wants to go sing Christmas carols at a local nursing home. If I keep my eyes and ears open, opportunities should present themselves.
  • Stop acting and sounding crazy. Your train of thinking is all over the place. Stop arguing with yourself. People are staring.
I had a dream and I still want that dream.
But maybe just let it go.
And dream of something else.
That doesn’t rely on someone else doing
Or being something.
And if that other dream ever happens,
Maybe just let it be a surprise.

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6 Comments

  1. Maery Rose…this post is a riot! I can envision you there at your house talking to yourself as you wrote this.
    “and dream of something else”…”maybe just let it be a surprise.” It’s like you are still on that teeter totter…but ya know, in spite of how you feel tonight, you have come a long way baby! Keep up that writing and riding and preparing yourself to ride down that hill in the snow with Java (on a kayak). Helping someone else is a good idea. You are not acting or sounding crazy…just sharing your thoughts with all of us. Thanks.

  2. Oh, sweetie your dream lays within you no matter where you go or what you do. I do believe that dreams can be God given. God promises us the desire of our hearts according to His will. Boy, do we love to leave off that last part. Hang on in this roller coaster thing called live, hang on to your dreams but most of all hang on to God because He will show you the way. I’m prayin’ for you girl. Please, Please keep writing and leavin’ us with a smile. :o)

    Have a terrific day!!!

  3. You are a really good writer – so be sure to keep that part of your advice to yourself.

    I agree with your last lines. Try to find the dream within yourself without forgetting about everyone else. Somehow, I don’t think that last part is a danger for you. But, I agree that real happiness comes from inside you alone.

  4. You and only you are in charge of your own happiness. Things may not be like you want them..but hey, you have a job, a roof over your head, horses and a dog..and your health ( Well except for a bum shoulder and a crappy knee) so smile..someone once told me that smiling was great for what ails ya! 🙂

  5. Lori – I’m trying to cope with humor. Glad that I’m able to pull it off.

    Nezzy – Your words soothe my soul. Thanks.

    KB – I learn a lot from reading your blog on pushing through difficulties and grabbing a hold of life. You inspire me.

    Far Side – I’d be happy if I could make it all the way out to my car after work without bursting into the tears I’ve been holding in all day. If I can manage to put a smile on someone else’s face with my crazy thoughts and feelings, then a smile on my face will come. I have faith in that.

  6. Shoot. I wrote a comment, and it got lost in the abyss … let me see, if I can remember.

    You know I’m a fan of moving somewhere new. I believe it’s known as the geographic solution, but then there is this thing that says … where ever you go, there YOU are.

    I love “Dream of something else” as a mantra, when you find yourself stuck in the other.

    And, one bit of narrative input, I would love to see you include some of your poem-thinking in your novel.

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