I saw this Pedigree brand commercial and started crying. Not because I felt “pity” for the shelter animals, but because I identified with them.
“Maery’s not broken. She has simply experienced more life…”
Too often I think my X broke something so deeply inside me that no matter how strong my will and my spirit is, I can’t fix it and I can’t overcome it. Where other men have hurt me physically, he managed to get to me. He gained my trust and then he broke it.
But maybe, like the shelter dogs, I have that wisdom and that story.
But I’m not sure I’ve reacted to my “bad hand” with courage. It angers me. This weakness. This can’t be the thing that does me in. Buck up cowgirl, don’t give in to pity or give up on life because of this.
The past 30 days have been hard.
I’m kind of starting all over again with the grieving process, the sense of broken heartedness.
The sense of being utterly alone, not literally alone, but alone in understanding.
The anger and frustration that I let him in, when I never should have.
I have at times in my life been hurt physically and at other times I have been hurt emotionally. In either case, what is taken on the inside is so much worse than any external injuries.
I guess I do the things I’ve done before. I walk Java. I ride Luke. And I pray that this period of my life passes quickly.
I dream about throwing caution to the wind and traveling somewhere totally different than anywhere I’ve been before.
I dream about writing a book that knocks the socks off of everyone.
I dream about many things.
But most of all I dream about smiling from the inside out as I realize I’ve come out the other side.
Maery Rose…you have not written like this for a long time. You must have had time to think, instead of being totally busy 24/7. I imagine true progress can mean 3 steps forward, one step back. Truly, you are over the hump. It seems that you were just looking for a house and now you are living in one. Things will settle down even more once you get the fence up for Java. I agree, men are different…but there are a few out there who do know how to treat a woman. Let your life happen. You have had an enormous number of hoops to jump through and are so much stronger than you think. Before long you will be back in your kick ass mode. Hang on.
Lori – I don’t know if it’s one step back as much as just another hump because of losing my “country lifestyle” and having to once again make an adjustment. I know there are men out there who know how to treat a woman because I’ve met one and I see other people’s relationships that are so much different than what I’ve ever had, but that doesn’t fix everything. It’s me I’m disappointed with. I don’t know how to do this new life I’ve been pushed into yet. And I’m not very patient with myself. But as always, I have some ideas of what to do to change my attitude. Wish me luck!
I think you’re onto something– you don’t miss that asshole, you couldn’t possibly– you’re just still mad at yourself for having opened yourself up to him. You exposed your underbelly and he wasn’t trustworthy.
You can’t keep holding onto this blame. It isn’t healthy. you said it yourself, there ARE good ones out there, and ultimately, knowing you, you want your life to be about being open, not living in fear that you might get hurt again. You can’t armor coat yourself to the point you’ll never be vulnerable again. You just have to live true to yourself and know you can take whatever life deals out– because you have and you can.
There’s a lot to be said for holding onto your dreams. If you have dreams, you have hope. Hope will give you the strength to not only get through this, but to grow and come out stronger, better and able to make your dreams a reality.
Oh sweet Maery, you’ll always be a country gal at heart! It hurts my heart that you have been injured so very deeply. It’s true, those emotional scars are the hardest to heal but girl you’ve come so very far and yes, life is gonna throw ya a hump every now and again. Your strength is comin’ through loud and clear through your writing. My prayers are with you every step of the way.
God bless ya and have a great weekend!!! :o)
Sue – You have such a way with words. Your relationship was one of the ones I thought of as a good one. The not building a wall is a tough one. I’m not sure I can take another hit. Unfortunately, living behind a wall is a pretty lonely place to be so I know I’ll have to let people in again. It’s just a hard thing to do.
Anon – Dreams are good but I’m discovering they need to be more flexible. Goals are supposed to be specific, but dreams, I think they are more about how you end up feeling, rather than a specific pot of gold. If that makes any sense …
Nezzy – What’s that saying? You can take the girl out of the country but you can’t take the country out of the girl? I’m living in wide open spaces in my head. That doesn’t mean my head is a big wide open space. Honestly, there is something in there! Thanks for remembering me in your prayers. I appreciate that.
Your words are amazing. Believe in your dreams and they will happen. You are where you are supposed to be.
Now that I have voiced the platitudes, hang tough, you can do this.
Gail – Thanks. Platitudes are always welcome.