Bring It On

Okay, I’m the first to admit it. I really suck right now. Part of the battle is recognizing these things. Right?

If you can’t tolerate suckiness, read no further. Final warning before entering a counter culture of negativity.

I just started reading a book called “Leap! What Will We Do with the Rest of Our Lives?” by Sara Davidson. It includes several interviews with various baby boomer stars (like Cheryl Tiegs and Carly Simon) and what they are doing now that they’ve lost their sex symbol status. And how does this information help me?

The book is supposed to answer such deep questions as:

  • How does a high-powered person learn to walk down the ladder gracefully?OK. I’m not remotely high powered but even in a job like mine, you know when it’s over and you have merely become a door stop. There will be no new challenges. No one bothers to teach you anything. You are invisible.
  • How can women continue to be sensual and not touch-deprived?Good question. Can’t wait to reach that chapter. Something about taking Tango lessons. Lame!
  • How do we arrange to grow old with our friends?Hmmm…. You mean the ones that aren’t married or in some kind of relationship? I had planned to grow old with my husband. My friends are busy. Raincheck?
  • What will be the fire at the center of our lives?Does this have something to do with heartburn?
  • Why are we still here?Very good question! I’m totally skipping ahead to that chapter! Could it be because my frequent requests to “Please beam me up Scotty!” have been completely ignored.

I don’t think I’m quite in the right spirit for this book’s message…

Ms. Davidson writes about a ritual that she and her friends did for her sixtieth birthday. She was told to think about all the highlights of her life up to this point, then to let go of all of that. Yeah, because that is SO over!

Davidson talks about how everything she did when she was younger was golden. One woman tells Davidson that it is the winter of her life and she has to wait patiently for the right season. Whatever…

Davidson was also asked to answer the following intriguing questions:

  1. I realize that life is both precious and short and that I have lived the majority of my years. When the angel of death comes to my door, I will be ready to go because…
  2. The thing I will miss the most when life is over is…
  3. In the years to come, I will be grateful for…

Davidson answered #1 by saying she’d be ready to go because she’d had love. In fact love was her answer to all the questions. I might have said that a year ago, when I was still loved (at least I think I was).

I don’t think I’ll miss anything when I’m dead because I’ll be dead. And in the years to come, I don’t know what I’ll be grateful for. I’m afraid if I mention anything I’m grateful for, that will be the next thing I lose. (Remember in my early blogs how I was so grateful for my beautiful home and wonderful husband? — exactly.)

I am SO NOT in the right spirit for this book.

Music has been one of my life lines lately. Sweet, sometimes soothing, sometimes raucous, take me to another land, music.

My IPOD needed recharging at work today so I ended up listening to streaming music and a lineup of songs, that strangely enough was telling me to “Buck up soldier!” This was especially strange because I had prayed this morning for a sign that my life mattered somehow. Just something that would tell me that it actually would make a difference to someone whether I was here or not.

Whether the lineup of songs was my “sign” or not, I doubt, because they really didn’t answer my question. But I’ll share one of the songs I liked with you anyway.

“Yeah, I might feel defeated,
I might hang my head
I might be barely breathing – but I’m not dead”

p.s. I wanted to post Joey and Rory’s “Cheater Cheater” but I’m trying very hard to play nice with others. Funny thing is, I used to sing that song at the top of my lungs when we’d be driving somewhere, not thinking it had anything to do with my man. Silly, trusting, naive Mary.

But…

“I’m not going to let it get me down
I’m not going to cry
And I’m not going to lose any sleep tonight.
Cuz tomorrow’s another day, and I am not afraid, so bring on the rain”

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5 Comments

  1. Mary, I don’t know how you do it but somehow even through all your angst you manage to charm and entertain me. Sorry, i know you’re hurting, and I’m not laughing at you, but your voice is so utterly honest and somewhere I still detect a trace of your true warm funny nature.
    DITCH THAT BOOK. It sounds horrid.
    Something tells me you’re on the right track. Stay fighty girl.

  2. Mary, You’ll make it – I can tell! To be honest, I’ve had to reinvent myself in the past few years, and I’m not done yet. I was an intense research scientist working all the time because I loved it. But, my back made that life impossible for me. I quit, and I’m still figuring out what’s next. Some form of writing, I think.

    But, it’s not an easy journey, and I’m certain that yours is way tougher. Hang in there, keep trying new things, and keep writing. We’re pulling for you.

  3. Sue – Good to hear. It makes me feel better to know when I can still make someone smile. The books has already been returned to the library. Once I figure this whole thing out, I’m writing my own book.

    KB -I don’t think we’re ever done reinventing. That’s what keeps life interesting, challenging and painful sometimes too, but interesting. I love the way you describe things in your blog and reading about your dogs and exploration. I think you could do a book or write for one of the outdoor magazines or for online publications or local publications in your area.

  4. OK Mary…I fully agree with the first commenter…dump that piece of crap book. So glad you already returned it. That kind of help you don’t need. You are not invisible or washed up or finished and life is not over til the fat lady sings. Good grief those “intriguing” questions were idiotic!!!! Music, on the other hand, is good. Keep singing.

    What ever happened with the dog kennel saga? Does Java now have one?

    Hang on woman. You are special!!!!

  5. Don’t feel too bad. I read something on another writer’s blog. It was intended to be inspirational, and my first thought was to check SNOPES and make sure it wasn’t a hoax or one of those blatantly untrue, eternally-forwarded, sappy stories.

    Well, and I said so.

    Sometimes, a girl has to be dark & twisty (to borrow a phrase from Grey’s Anatomy … back before it jumped the shark).

    That’s just the way it is.

    You’ll buck up when it matters. Right now, feel free to grouse. It’s fine by us.

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