Woman on a Journey

If Only I Had Wonder Woman’s Magic Bracelets

After having so much fun on the 4th being with friends and family at the lake, it seemed especially quiet and empty when I came home.
Usually H and I would have company at our house for a 4th of July celebration or we’d go to a park where a band was playing and there were fireworks. I’m sure that’s what H still did this year, only with the OW, not me.

So those thoughts, along with having the house go up for sale, put me into somewhat of a nose dive. I was reading a post on “Katrina Recyled” and I got to the part about “I miss someone being there who had my back.” And I thought, yes, that’s exactly it!

If something went wrong, it’s okay when you are a couple and you have each other to lean on and help each other. When you have that love and support to depend on. That old, “Whatever happens, we can face it together” stuff. It was a nice place to be.

Sunday and Monday, I was feeling weak and vulnerable and incapable of living this new, exciting life that’s been dropped in my lap. For H, selling the house is moving forward, getting out of limbo. I understand why he would feel that way. Until the house sells and he gets his share, he’s stuck in an apartment and not able to do the things he’s (they’ve) been dreaming of doing.
But I am living in my home right now, with my horses out back and where Java can run loose around the property with me. Yes, the memories and the hugeness of the place is hard, but it’s still my home and is my last bit of safety and security, or so it feels anyway.

Once the house sells, H moves out of limbo and I move in. Well, I’m not sure if living in rental housing and boarding my horses will be limbo or hell. We’ll see.

So to pick myself up out of this morose train of thought, I started another piece of my “Lift-My-Spirits and Feel-Good” posts. It was going something like this:

At the end of each day, I try to think of at least 3 things to be thankful for. There are the small things, like “I made a really good hamburger” and the bigger things like “I still have a job!”

There are also the long-term things that I’m thankful for every day.

Like my family — how many people get a second family after losing the family they had? My adoptive Mom, Dad, and brother have all passed away and now my biological Father is also gone, but a Mother remains. And I gained four sisters, two brothers, and a number of nieces and nephews. It’s downright awesome! Can’t imagine what I’d be doing now if I’d never met them.

I am thankful for friends, old and new. I know everyone is busy and it’s hard to find very much time for friends, so I really appreciate people taking time out of their busy lives to hang with me. I’m having a lot of fun and I hope they are too.

I am thankful for my son. He’s taken me down some rough roads, but he opened me up to the world of art and saw me as a super hero while he was younger. Now, he sees my humanity and he’s been very concerned about me and very kind and considerate. I know his art will take him somewhere wonderful someday. And I’ll be there to cheer him on.

As I was working on this post, my son called me. And he said some amazing things to me that worked wonders to snap me out of my gloom and doom mood. I can’t quote Lain exactly but our conversation went something like this:

I was telling Lain how much I was judging myself and feeling bad based on how I thought H must see me and how he’s rejected me and doesn’t love me anymore.

Lain told me that I shouldn’t base my worth on what happened with my relationship with H. That I am always me and that the person he sees is a powerful, resilient woman. Yes, she gets knocked down sometimes, but she always gets back up again.

Lain recommended that I work on projects and do things that help me see my strengths and abilities. Do things that challenge me and bring me satisfaction and confidence. That that would help reassure me of how capable I am and help me see all the things that are good about me. He said maybe I can create something positive and beautiful out of the struggle and the pain.

I was very impressed with my 22-year-old son’s wisdom. Where did he get that from? And that he would be open enough to say these things to his mother.

I know just from the feeling of confidence and strength I got from driving the horse trailer and going trail riding on my own that facing my fears, learning new skills, or just doing the things I love makes a huge difference in how I feel.

Yes, I am very thankful for my son and that he sees me in such a positive light. He has been my motivation to try my hardest and do my best, when I couldn’t summon the desire to do things just for my sake.

One of the memories I have of Lain, that I wish had never happened, occurred when he was 3-years-old. He tried to protect me by shutting a door in our house to keep his father away from me. Three-years-old! And he’s trying to protect his super hero mother!

Of course, a tiny toddler cannot stop a full grown man from coming through a door and Lain was knocked to the floor when the door was flung open. I got an order-for-protection the next day because I couldn’t stand to have something like that happen to my son ever again. It’s too bad that that’s what it took.

So I’m going to see myself through the eyes of Lain and the other people in my life who see my strength, sense-of-humor, compassion, and love. They deserve to have me be the person they see, maybe not a super hero, but a powerful, resilient woman none-the-less.


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8 Comments

  1. You have an amazing son!
    I like how your spirits are getting better. It’s always hard for me to put into words what I’d like to say, I am not good with it, and I have never been through what you are going through! Hang in there!
    I am glad you have your son, friends, horses and Java to help you!

  2. Your son sounds like he’s wise beyond his years. You’re very lucky to have him – or perhaps not lucky but seeing the fruits of your own labors – it was you who raised him to be that way!

  3. Mary….Your son is brilliant! He knows of what he speaks…. I love the Wonder Woman bit. That could be you!

    Now, (my opinion) about the other part of your post…you have very legitimate concerns, but you need to get back into a kick ass mode. I’ll bet you H reads this stuff! or the OW. From what I have gathered, nothing you write about H is going to change things. Put that Wonder Woman outfit on and get on with it. Be strong…be positive and look to the future. You will always have memories, yet at the same time the past tugs away at your heart. Figure out how to make the sucker pay for you to board TWO horses…while he is in lala land, you are being forced to give up too much! Why should he have it all? OOOHHHH. I reread this and am sorry it is so strong…

    It’s good that you have such a great son and have found the rest of your family. You are going to get through this!

  4. Paint Girl – I think you do just fine with words. And I think you must be picking up photo tips from your sister because your photos keep getting better all the time.

    KB – When my son was little, I always thought of him as a wise old soul. Then he turned 12 and I wondered where my kid went. I think he’s returning though. He sure said exactly what I needed to hear.

    Lori – I think the Wonder Woman image is a good one for me to keep in mind. I may have some bracelets made and I sure would like to have that lasso that makes people tell the truth and do whatever you tell them to do. 😀 I’m starting to feel more myself and thinking like you said, “How come I’m giving up everything? Like the truck and tractor and all the farm stuff?” I’m starting to check out if it would be affordable to get a Ford F150. And looking at farms for sale around here. Maybe I do need a tractor… Not sure what I’m doing but I need to consider broadening the possibilities.

  5. wow you raised a smart kid… you can certainly count that tonite as one of your strengths ! 🙂

    Just remember where the L-rd closes a door somewhere He opens a window…
    blessings
    gp

  6. GP – Yes, he’s been especially brilliant lately with knowing the right things to say. As for that window, I think I just have to take my eyes off that darn door and I’ll see it.

  7. Wow, this is a great post! Reading what your beautiful and wise son says about you made me get all teary-eyed. I have no children and count that as my biggest regret in life. What a wonderful blessing in your life he has been and remains to be. He’s your number 1 and I’m sure you are everything he believes that you are. Bad or weak people usually don’t raise great kids. I’ll bet you’re so very proud of him. He sounds awesome! I love what Lori Skoog wrote and agree 100% with her!! You need to get good and pissed off and make that sucker pay!! You do not have to give up so much just because he’s such a shithead!! You are not only a strong woman, but you are a smart woman. Start working on that project right now–that will keep you focused. How you are going to make him pay for the lifestyle that you have grown accustomed to–and deserve until you decide differently. You go girl!!

  8. C-ingspots: Thanks. He is a great kid. And believe me, I definitely have my angry moments, mainly because he’s so callous about it all, like our marriage meant nothing and what he’s doing to me is no big deal. I’d like to matter more than that. That I don’t has a tendency to make me more sad than angry – I should go with the anger.

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