After having so much fun on the 4th being with friends and family at the lake, it seemed especially quiet and empty when I came home.
Usually H and I would have company at our house for a 4th of July celebration or we’d go to a park where a band was playing and there were fireworks. I’m sure that’s what H still did this year, only with the OW, not me.
So those thoughts, along with having the house go up for sale, put me into somewhat of a nose dive. I was reading a post on “Katrina Recyled” and I got to the part about “I miss someone being there who had my back.” And I thought, yes, that’s exactly it!
If something went wrong, it’s okay when you are a couple and you have each other to lean on and help each other. When you have that love and support to depend on. That old, “Whatever happens, we can face it together” stuff. It was a nice place to be.
Sunday and Monday, I was feeling weak and vulnerable and incapable of living this new, exciting life that’s been dropped in my lap. For H, selling the house is moving forward, getting out of limbo. I understand why he would feel that way. Until the house sells and he gets his share, he’s stuck in an apartment and not able to do the things he’s (they’ve) been dreaming of doing.
But I am living in my home right now, with my horses out back and where Java can run loose around the property with me. Yes, the memories and the hugeness of the place is hard, but it’s still my home and is my last bit of safety and security, or so it feels anyway.
Once the house sells, H moves out of limbo and I move in. Well, I’m not sure if living in rental housing and boarding my horses will be limbo or hell. We’ll see.
So to pick myself up out of this morose train of thought, I started another piece of my “Lift-My-Spirits and Feel-Good” posts. It was going something like this:
At the end of each day, I try to think of at least 3 things to be thankful for. There are the small things, like “I made a really good hamburger” and the bigger things like “I still have a job!”
There are also the long-term things that I’m thankful for every day.
Like my family — how many people get a second family after losing the family they had? My adoptive Mom, Dad, and brother have all passed away and now my biological Father is also gone, but a Mother remains. And I gained four sisters, two brothers, and a number of nieces and nephews. It’s downright awesome! Can’t imagine what I’d be doing now if I’d never met them.
I am thankful for friends, old and new. I know everyone is busy and it’s hard to find very much time for friends, so I really appreciate people taking time out of their busy lives to hang with me. I’m having a lot of fun and I hope they are too.
I am thankful for my son. He’s taken me down some rough roads, but he opened me up to the world of art and saw me as a super hero while he was younger. Now, he sees my humanity and he’s been very concerned about me and very kind and considerate. I know his art will take him somewhere wonderful someday. And I’ll be there to cheer him on.
As I was working on this post, my son called me. And he said some amazing things to me that worked wonders to snap me out of my gloom and doom mood. I can’t quote Lain exactly but our conversation went something like this:
I was telling Lain how much I was judging myself and feeling bad based on how I thought H must see me and how he’s rejected me and doesn’t love me anymore.
Lain told me that I shouldn’t base my worth on what happened with my relationship with H. That I am always me and that the person he sees is a powerful, resilient woman. Yes, she gets knocked down sometimes, but she always gets back up again.
Lain recommended that I work on projects and do things that help me see my strengths and abilities. Do things that challenge me and bring me satisfaction and confidence. That that would help reassure me of how capable I am and help me see all the things that are good about me. He said maybe I can create something positive and beautiful out of the struggle and the pain.
I was very impressed with my 22-year-old son’s wisdom. Where did he get that from? And that he would be open enough to say these things to his mother.
I know just from the feeling of confidence and strength I got from driving the horse trailer and going trail riding on my own that facing my fears, learning new skills, or just doing the things I love makes a huge difference in how I feel.
Yes, I am very thankful for my son and that he sees me in such a positive light. He has been my motivation to try my hardest and do my best, when I couldn’t summon the desire to do things just for my sake.
One of the memories I have of Lain, that I wish had never happened, occurred when he was 3-years-old. He tried to protect me by shutting a door in our house to keep his father away from me. Three-years-old! And he’s trying to protect his super hero mother!
Of course, a tiny toddler cannot stop a full grown man from coming through a door and Lain was knocked to the floor when the door was flung open. I got an order-for-protection the next day because I couldn’t stand to have something like that happen to my son ever again. It’s too bad that that’s what it took.
So I’m going to see myself through the eyes of Lain and the other people in my life who see my strength, sense-of-humor, compassion, and love. They deserve to have me be the person they see, maybe not a super hero, but a powerful, resilient woman none-the-less.
“Mouth open in a silent scream, like a Hitchcock girl on a muted television. Then comes the folding, the doubling over that forces the air out of her lungs in a woosh. Being tough is no longer the point of this game…”
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