Horrors! I went to a yoga class last Thursday. I don’t know how to do yoga so the plan was to hide in the back of the studio. But I was the only person who showed up! Like I said, Horrors! This was a fast moving kind of yoga – Vinyasa yoga. It’s supposed to be flowing but for me, not knowing the moves and always being a beat behind, it was like clumsy calisthenics.

Screeeekkk! That’s the noise my joints were making…

I have found standard yoga classes boring but maybe I need to learn the poses (or asanas) before I tackle the tougher stuff. I really wish there was a Tai Chi class. I think that would be more my style — more like a graceful crane dance… or so I imagine it.

What I’m looking for is to get my mind and body aligned — to stop the deep freeze of overwhelm, to have my brain be able to stay on one thing for more than two minutes. My gray matter is constantly searching through a gamut of choices, believing that I should be doing something other than what I am doing or afraid I might be missing something important. I sound like a two-year-old. Or perhaps just someone aging and worried that time is running out.

I want to be able to stand quietly, to stay with my feelings, to stop trying to fill the cavernous hole inside me with all the wrong things. Many things I’ve brought into my life are good.

Others, not so good. 

What’s tricky is figuring out which is which. And there are things I’ve let go, that I need to get back. I need to find the right balance. Not that it’s a thing that you find and you don’t ever have to review again and make further adjustments. That’s just life.

But right now, I can’t seem to figure it out and this is wearing me thin. I long for an entire month of not having to go to work, of not doing the same daily routine — the one that’s not working for me. I’d like a chance to try several different ways of progressing through the day until I find one that doesn’t feel chaotic — where I get the important stuff done. Where I find a rhythm that I know is my own.

It seems like after you’ve been working for thirty-six years straight, you should be able to take off one month!

Do you think I could get a doctor to prescribe this?

What I keep asking myself is whether how I am spending my time right now is how I want to spend my life? Because it all adds up, all the patterns, and actions create an outcome. Am I creating the outcome that I want?

No. But I feel stuck — trapped.

What I’m good at, what I know, what I have had to know, is how to survive. Not always in the healthiest of ways, but I’m still here and in many ways, that’s a miracle.

I’m just tired. If I could rest, I’d be fine. If I could simply have a break. But that’s not life is it? No rest for the weary… or is it the wicked?

(These are all the veggies I’ve eaten from my garden seeking revenge.)

I happened to glance outside and saw that the sun was eeking it’s way through the clouds. There were spots of sunlight hitting a few clusters of leaves at the tops of the trees, making an interesting pattern of light and darkness.

I guess that’s the way I’ll try to see those patterns of light and dark — as interesting. But I still wish, that I could rest before I break new ground. If I was meant to wing my way through life, I’d have been born a bird. Don’t you think?

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  1. Oh my…there is so much I would like to share with you Maery. Practical matters first: don’t go back to that yoga class again! I’ve been practicing yoga on and off for 30+ years and it can save your life on many levels. Iyengar or Integral, forms that have been around for years…(hundreds)slow, gentle, aligning. Now, please be kind with yourself. It sounds like you are really in the middle of the storm…lots of processing. I know that feeling of, “can I just get a break/have some time off to regroup? I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for 12 years (since my divorce). I hope one day to have some time off (not just a week or 2),and in the mean time, I have created practices and a life where I find the rest while moving about my life…it can be done and it will take time. Time is on your side too Maery…each moment takes you to the next experience and closer to how you want things to be. Love each moment no matter how easy or how challenging and I promise you will find your way through.
    Hugs, hugs and more hugs!
    Mary Sherman (Vision&Verb contributor)

  2. I hear ya sweet sista!!! I spent the last week down in Brownsville Tx where Hubs was tellin’ everyone we were goin’ on ‘vacation’. Baby, it’s no vacation to go to Moms and take care of a year of repairs and special needs. I’m callin’ it a ‘workcation’ and stickin’ to it! Heeeehehe!

    I work out with a program on BYU each mornin’ for an hour. It’s mostly yoga but they throw in other workouts like cardio kick~boxin’ or general workouts. It’s called ‘Total Body Workout’. She sets up three levels for her participants and lasts an hour. ‘Comes on at eight AM here but could be taped for your convince. Yoga truly centers me and these old bones!

    God bless ya and have yourself an extraordinary day sweetie!

  3. I retired in 2000 from teaching and the thing I appreciate the most is being able to be outside as long as I want in the morning. No more rushing to feed the horses and clean the stalls before starting to teach at 7:30. Did not miss going to school at all…and could not believe that I could plan every day doing things that I never had time for. I’m very busy, but feel no pressure. Ever since I started reading your blog, you have been “transitioning” and that can be very draining. But look at the good things in your life…your home, the pups, Luke, all the new friends, your son, trips (getting to meet Sue of DVR…I’m jealous), the pleasure you get through photography, finding success with your writing and maintaining your sense of humor. You have really been able to go in the right direction…sounds like it’s the job that is putting the squeeze on you. You will figure it out, you always do.

  4. I am acutely aware of the luxury of only working two days a week and I do think of someone like yourself that yearns for the freedom of a forced ‘routine.’ Do you have any vacation time? Have you asked for a ‘leave’ of sorts? The worst thing that could happen is that it is denied. As much as I loved Hannah, and got so much positive life-affirming energy from her presence, I also needed to be completely alone to really know my thoughts and emotions. She was emotionally draining in a way that was hard to describe. It was like she took my energy or something. Anyway, my thought was that perhaps a few days away from all other life forms might be healing ~ even if it’s only a few days. It’s just a thought:-) I totally ‘hear’ what you are saying.

  5. This post hit home with me. Both my husband and I are having the same sort of struggles about “is this truly what I want out of life?” I know where we are now isn’t where we’d like to be, but I think the journey could/should be looked at as an adventure of sorts, and one that we can do together. Maybe a frustrating one at times, making you want to bang your head against the nearest wall, but it can also be a real learning experience. I know that the rest of my life has to have running writing and photography involved, these are my identifiers, but I’m open to whatever else comes my way. Just trust in yourself, be daring and enjoy the adventure.

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