It’s Just Life



“I’d like to take all my thoughts and put them away on the top shelf of my closet in the plastic box that holds the small shampoo containers and soaps that I use when I travel. They’d be tidy and cutely contained. I’d just take them down from the shelf when I absolutely needed them.”

I wrote that back in January of 1988, when I was trying to find my way out of an abusive marriage, but it still sounds like a good idea to me.

Back when I was a child I had a repetitive dream that I couldn’t talk. Instead I used telepathy to converse with other people. I’d take their hand in mine, stare deeply into their eyes, and transfer all my thoughts and feelings over to them so they could feel the things I felt that I was never able to describe to anyone. My hope was that someone would finally understand me and help me. Unfortunately, the person who’s hand I was holding usually screamed, went completely insane, and jumped off a cliff.

Sigh… Those dreams didn’t exactly ease my mind about talking to people. Perhaps I shouldn’t be writing right now, not that I destroy people, but I destroy the image of what I want to portray. I’ve lost perspective. I keep editing this post down, removing pieces of it, of me, that are “too much”.

I keep hoping that something wonderful will happen. Something that takes my breath away and gives me hope and opens up a door that I never even dreamed of. Oh, wait. I already had that happen. You can’t always trust those open doors. But I’d like a new door anyway, one that snaps me out of this, whatever this is.

I don’t know.

Coping mechanisms. I have a number of them. Not all of them work anymore so I try to find new ones.

For now, I think I’m going to adopt another dog, buy four chickens, put in a bigger garden this spring, figure out how to turn my horse trailer dressing room into a sleeping room so I can use it for horse camping, plan a camping trip in the mountains of Colorado (hopefully with a river nearby), if my son moves to New York like he’s planning, maybe I’ll go there for Christmas, and I’ll keep working on my book.

I’m kidding about some of those things, but not all.

I was late for work this morning because the sunrise caught my eye. I only caught the tail end of the light show through my bedroom window.

The temperatures were in the low 40’s today and it rained for awhile. Things are definitely melting and Java and I walked by the river to see if it’s rising at all. Not yet.

I’ll keep watching and waiting.

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19 Comments

  1. Great illustrations for your dreams. I saw the dog on facebook…looks like you have made a decision. Would probably be great for your skiing and Java would have company when you are not around. Do you still kennel her while you are working, or does she have the run of the house? New York will be an exciting place to visit if your son moves there.

    I hope you realize what progress you have made.

  2. Paint Girl – I wish I could see the sunrises and sunsets better from my house. So much is blocked but I enjoy the bits of color that I can see.

    Lori – I haven’t really made any decision. Dog dreams are another one of those things that give me something else to think about, anticipate, and eat up time considering if this is a good home for another dog. Java has free run of the house. She’s a good girl. It’s the cat that I should kennel. I’m hoping that if my son moves to New York, I can also visit a cousin in New Hampshire. She lives in a beautiful area which is also “horse country” as she’s describes it. My progress is not all that clear to me, but I’m hoping longer days, warmth and more sunlight will help my perspective soon.

  3. Speaking of doors…a few years ago I stumbled upon these words by Helen Keller. They made me stop and look around.
    “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door we don’t see the one that has opened for us….”

    Hope you visit New Hampshire. It’s a beautiful state and not far from NY. Sounds like you’re looking around and considering other things…time and space… You’ll find it!

  4. What a post. Lots to think over as always. That was a cool quote Sally posted. I love Hellen Keller, she had a lot to say, and to think she came very close to being completely written off.

    I used to have a couple repeating nightmares as a kid too. In one my mom would kill my dad and sister, then come after me, in another, a man-sized headless Ken doll in a tux would chase me all over trying to “get me”. I finally balled-up a bunch of socks. put it on his neck for an impromptu *head*, then knocked his block off. He disintegrated. Maybe psychoanalyzing that craziness will distract you for a few minutes. New coping mechanism? 🙂 Love the pics, as always. Glad to hear your making plans. Few thing get me out of my head like doing some outdoor activity.

  5. I’m happy that you’ve decided your thoughts/dreams aren’t too ‘awful’ to share and that you know none of us will go insane and jump off a cliff if we ‘feel’ what’s in your head. We all have a dark side Maery, we need it to sustain the light ~ like the tree of life ~ the beautiful tree that we all see would not exist without the dark roots beneath the surface that keep it alive. Your darkness is partly responsible for all the beauty that comes from you. I do however, understand how painful it can be to get caught up in the tangled roots and struggle to see the light. Like Sue, physical activity helps me. I used to walk 9 miles a day, then ride my bicycle 20 miles. These days I am more at peace, but I can still feel the angst of which you write. As I have said before, know that you are not traveling alone. You are in my thoughts so frequently! Good luck with the dog decision, and it is great to hear of all your plans. I think that is wonderful ~ the future plans ~ it helps to give the days ahead some shape. Sorry if I went long again…I can’t help myself:-)

  6. Yes, I have a file of quotes and that one from Helen Keller is amongst the collection. I read it, turned my back on the closed door and have been looking for that open one that’s supposed to show up. Maybe I need binoculars.

  7. Kathleen – Where did you find 9 miles to walk? I’m thinking buying my house was a huge mistake. I can barely find 3 miles to walk and most of it is through an ugly, depressing neighborhood.

  8. It will turn up when you least expect it. In the meantime you’re doing fine…you have lots of cheerleaders. Love your pictures, and especially Java. Had to say “good bye to mine last Aug.

  9. I, too, am looking and hoping to add another dog to my family. finding the right one uses up a lot of my down time. I’m actually waiting and hoping another feral/tossed out with the trash dog finds its way here. There are so many, in my neighborhoood.

    Check out this group for ideas and input converting your trailer. the people are awesome and will wank you through any little (or massive) redo. The people there have renovated all kinds of vehicles for living spaces. Plans and pictures are all there.
    Cheap RV Living

  10. Wow. Great pix. I don’t know about plastic boxes, but I often imagine things that are bothering me are wrapped up in trash bags that I walk out in my mind and set at the curb.

    It’s kind of the same thing. A friend uses boxes in her minds eye and boxed up the parts she doesn’t want to focus upon right then.

    There are lots of places in Colorado with streams. We’d love to see you on your way through the state. :o)

  11. Great analogy with the plastic box on the shelf sweetie.

    I too had a reoccurring dream as I grew up and still sometimes as adult. The place changes but it is always the same scenario. I have three elephants chasin’ me and just as I am cornered and about to get pummeled…I awake. Mom always thought it was because I watched Elephant Walk as a wee one.

    What was she thinkin’???

    Your wonderful mornin’ sky is breathtaking!!!

    God bless ya and have a beautiful day! :o)

  12. Anonymous – All of my pets, until I got Java, were strays that wandered into my life. That certainly was simpler than trying to find the right dog when there are so many looking for homes.

    Roxanne – I was going to e-mail you and KB to ask about camping advice. I need dog friendly, good hiking, and decent weather in July. I’d like to bike too but couldn’t leave the Java behind. Maybe if I had the thing Sue is using to pull her dogs with I could still bike.

  13. Gorgeous photos, all of them!

    I like the plastic box analogy… but it’s probably not a good one for me to adopt.

    Adopt another dog?

  14. Beautiful sunrise!
    Everyone is different..some people are shelvers, some people are throwers, some people just wallow.
    You have made progress that is very evident…I think it is great that you have made some goals..it’s ok to reach for somethings and dream about other things..dreams are what keep us going:)

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