Every time I draw myself back into where I am, what I’m doing, and who I am right now, I feel more alive. And I’m pretty sure a person functions better when they are awake and aware than when they are tossing in their sleep.
I’ve been trying to remember what it was like to be a kid — to remember what I played at and imagined and loved. I want to see if the things I started out loving provide clues to how to bring those playful feelings (free, light, uninhibited, unworried about outcome, adaptable, unrestricted) back into my way too serious life.
I realized that what frightened Luke on the trail was not what he saw. It was what was out of site and unknown. It’s the same for me. The broader I can make my view of the world, the less there is to fear.
A week ago, I took a half a Friday off and rode my bike home from work. The weather was perfect – mid 70s, windy but not too bad. I hoped to bike off months of stress and frustration, clear my head and reenergize myself for my manuscript revision work ahead. An awful load of expectations for a bike to carry.
All I need to do is name the place and you know what’s on my mind. All I wanted was for my son to be happy. I wanted him to have lots of friends and to do well in school. I wanted him to always believe in himself, to go out into the world with confidence and joy. I wanted him to be safe.
“Mouth open in a silent scream, like a Hitchcock girl on a muted television. Then comes the folding, the doubling over that forces the air out of her lungs in a woosh. Being tough is no longer the point of this game…”