It’s almost 2011. It’s that time of year when people evaluate the past and plan for the future, mainly thinking about what to do differently in the new year – exercise more, eat healthier, reduce debt, write a book, etc.

Probably the biggest change I’ve been trying to make this year is to not dwell on things. Because of this effort, when people ask me how I want the rest of my life to look, I don’t want to answer. I don’t want to think any farther ahead than what I need to get at the grocery store and whether my plants are due for watering. Beyond that, I start to get worried.

I’d rather think about how I am “being” rather than what I am “doing” or what I am “planning”.

I’ve come to the conclusion that to want, to expect, to dream is to invite disappointment, failure, and loss. That may sound like negative thinking, that I’m expecting the worst, but I’m not. I just don’t want to expect anything so that whatever happens just is — there is no good or bad tied to it.

As much as that makes it easier for me to deal with my life now, I think it’s made writing a book much more difficult. In fact, writing a full-length book feels downright impossible. I went through and created a more detailed outline of events and timing for my book yesterday and realized that I had too much for one book. My outline looked more like it was for THREE separate books.

One book is overwhelming enough but a series? Especially when what I want to write is the middle part of the story, but I think I need to write the first part to figure out the voice and personality of the main character. I need to see how she comes out of the crisis I’m writing her into.

It’s one thing to journal or blog, where the writing is brief (OK, so I’m a little long winded) and doesn’t have to link into something else.

To write a full length book, you have to sit still for extended periods of time. You have to think more deeply. You have to remember where you left off and where you wanted to go next. You have to think about developing your characters — what their lives look like and where they are going to end up — all the things I don’t want to think about in regard to my own life.

So I don’t know what to do. I feel a drive and a need to write this book that goes beyond any kind of rationality. Some message in my head says that I HAVE to write this book. I’m not very receptive to being told what to do or feeling the pressure of “You have to do this!”

It doesn’t seem to matter that this drive and need comes from me.

I was plugged into my IPod at work today (to drown out the Christmas music) and heard the song “Leave Me Alone (I’m Lonely)” by Pink.

“Go away
Come back
Go away
Come back
Why can’t I just have it both ways”

It made me laugh as the chorus could be my theme song when I enter — writing mode.

To get the full effect, read “writing mode” with your gnarly head-voice, accompanied by a dissonant chord held ominously on a synthesizer.

I need my alone time to think, dream (oh, wait, I’m not supposed to do that!), and write, but when I slink out of my make believe world, eyes squinting against reality, and look around, I’m thinking, “Where is everyone? Damn I’m lonely.”

Then when I get together with friends, someone will say something and I’ll think, “What a perfect conversation for my character Kate to have”. (Sorry people but I am robbing material from you all the time…) And then I’ll be looking at my watch thinking of some excuse I can use to bug out.

That is, unless I’m in writing avoidance mode, which occurs after I’ve been working on something for awhile and that initial writing frenzy and energy have become merely a fond memory.

It’s when my writing starts to look very amatuerish to me, when my characters seem to be lost and suffering from multiple personalities, it’s when writing starts to become work.

It’s when I start listening to music videos on YouTube, like this one, which I’m including because Pink’s song uses the f-en-hymer a couple times, but if you don’t mind that, I’d recommend watching it since it’s kind of funny. This one is funny too, although it’s not supposed to be.