I was going through some of my old papers, tossing out things I don’t need or will never have time to read. While doing this, I ran across something I wrote for New Years 2008. It was how I wanted my life to be and is written as though it’s already happened, since that’s supposed to help you better bring what you want into your life.


It starts out with the usual kinds of goals: “I exercise 4 days a week. I eat fresh, healthy foods, much of which I grow in my own garden.” 

Tomatoes

I enjoy baking and cooking and am comfortable entertaining with all the great recipes I have up my sleeve.”
Okay, that part is a bit of a stretch but it could happen… I am baking bread every couple days now.

Then I wrote about my relationship goals: “I have a wonderful husband that I love to spend time with – talking, traveling, seeing and trying new things. We treat each other with respect and openly show our love and affection for each other in how we touch each other, compliment and support each other, do things for each other, and truly listen to each other. I make sure my husband knows how attractive I find him and keep the fire burning.”
I did try to make this happen with H. Sickness and death got in the way. His job. My job. Stress. Exhaustion. Crabbiness. Busyness. Health problems. Problems with the economy. All the normal stuff that happens in life. 

I had something similar on the treasure map I created for 2009, where I pasted the cover from a romance novel on the poster board and wrote that I wanted “more passion and romance” in my life with H. 

Romance

I wanted the same things H wanted. Difference is, I looked for these things with us, not with someone else. That thought never even occurred to me. Except now, when I can either eventually search for what I want with another man or give up on love altogether. Too difficult to imagine right now.


Besides my relationship goals, I also saw myself as having a book published and that I was a sought out writer and speaker. That “I effortlessly put my thoughts on paper and create stories that touch other people.”
And I had horsy girlfriend goals: “I met a group of women near my home that love to trail ride as much as I do. We go on short trail rides when weather and time permits and take one big trip in the fall.”

Finding this little meditation, or whatever you want to call it, is meaningful to me right now because I was trying to figure out how to have a good image of my future, rather than the picture that keeps popping into my head — of me, wasting away in some ugly house that I hate, with the 10 dogs I’ve taken in to try and fill up the loneliness, that I’m constantly struggling to make ends meet and will never be able to retire, and I will never be able to do anything fun again.

Now there’s a pretty picture. But when I’ve tried to replace this picture of future Mary with something else, I can’t do it. So maybe I can take what I’ve already written, remove the image of H from my mind as the one I have this wonderful relationship with and replace it with a silhouette of someone else, still unknown.

But first maybe, comes the other stuff — God, family and friends, gardening, cooking, writing, travel, exercising, and riding. But most of all I need to keep in mind the last line of the meditation I wrote in 2008. 
“I live every moment of my life with the passion it deserves.” 
This means both the good and the bad moments. They all deserve to have me fully present, and giving my life the very best I have to give.

Grassy woods

I was going to shutdown my blog today. Spare anyone who reads this from watching me crash and burn. I’m feeling unfit for human consumption. 

I swore I wouldn’t let myself act like a victim ever again, but lack of sleep has left me open to emotions and thoughts I didn’t think I’d ever experience again.

I’m so tired of crying. I don’t even know how it is humanly possible to shed this many tears. Is that why I’m always thirsty? 

One of my friends asked me how I was doing and I said I was trying to figure out how to tie a noose. She thought I was kidding and commented on my funny sense of humor. Okay. So I was kidding. My sense of humor is pretty warped.

I want to quit. I want to give up on everything because nothing seems to matter without H in my life. Is that stupid or what?! That’s what I tell myself, is that it’s stupid! But I really believe that if he doesn’t see my worth, then I don’t have any, if he doesn’t love me, then no else ever will — except family because they’re stuck with me. I have made this man a god. In my mind, I am nothing without him. Stupid!!!

I know I’ve accomplished things in my life. I know I am good at some things. I know that some people actually like me, that they believe lots of good things about me. But I just assume that’s because they haven’t lived with me. They don’t know me like H does or they wouldn’t like me either. Repeat it again. Stupid!

I hate that I’ve become a problem for H to resolve – a financial transaction to settle – and as quickly as possible, please. He’s in a “me” place; while I’m in an “us” place. He’s dividing things up — this is mine and this is hers; while I’m looking at things and remembering how we discussed it, picked it out, worked on it, and enjoyed it. 

Yesterday, I read an article online titled Some Common Reasons Men Leave Relationships” by Brenda Shoshanna that said:“Though there are many more factors contributing to men leaving relationships, a common theme appears through all of them. The men are not necessarily responding to the woman they are leaving, but to their own inner needs, conflicts and dreams. Often they experience the woman in their lives simply as a part of their own sense of self. It is not the woman herself who necessarily causes the man to leave, but the man’s feelings about himself, his own inner fantasy and quest.”

This might make me feel better except that it sounds like something someone would say to make you feel better.

I had lunch with my cousin A yesterday and we joked around about the quote from Helen Keller, “When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

A and I concurred that at times we feel like we are desperately looking for that open door but we’re in a locked room with no windows and we’re groping around in the dark trying to find the darn light switch.

Cousin A and Mary

Cousin A and I in happier times in my kitchen
I want to quit trying to look. I want to quit writing, quit riding, quit doing anything that makes me “me” because I’ve decided “me” is not a good thing to be.

But the one thing about writing a blog, is you can’t stop living or you have nothing to write about. So this blog is my lifeline that forces me to remain a part of this world and I dare not quit writing it now.

So I apologize for including you in my ugly little journey. You can always come back in a year and see what happened to me. 

I’m hoping there will still be a few moments of humor and insight. So I will leave you for now with a photo of my “happy shoes”. They make me feel young at heart.

Happy Shoes

Pensive Mary
Today has been a tough day. I was writing a post about my old dog, Willow, but couldn’t summon the energy or feeling to make it work.


I’m so worried about screwing up at my job right now. I work as part of a team to implement a new software system throughout the company. Our factories exist in several buildings. We are implementing in our third factory, with the fourth and largest building implementation to occur in November this year.

This week, I will spend two days supporting software training and two days doing the training. Because there are several shifts, training lasts from 7 AM to 10 PM on a couple days. 

Another part of my job consists of documenting the new work instructions that people need, which is what I’m better at than I am at doing standup training. 

Next week, I’ll be on the factory floor answering people’s questions from 5:30 AM to 4:30 PM.

To have so much going on at work when my brain is struggling to function and I haven’t been sleeping well, it’s just not a good thing. Did I mention that my husband and I work at the same company? It doesn’t get better than this…

It’s also not a good thing that the writing I do to express myself and cope feels like it’s left me. 

I don’t want to drivel on about all the ugly things going on and how I’m not handling them all that well.

I have an image to keep going here.

So I hope you’ll forgive the lack of creativity I’m going through.

I will try to keep supporting all of you in your blogs. Right now, it’s much more pleasant to read about other people’s lives, than it is to write about my own.

But I’m sure that zany girl of the past will return, full of even more adventure and surprises.

Funny Winter Hat

If not, maybe Murphy can start writing this blog…

Murphy Mania

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