Horrors! I went to a yoga class last Thursday. I don’t know how to do yoga so the plan was to hide in the back of the studio. But I was the only person who showed up! Like I said, Horrors! This was a fast moving kind of yoga – Vinyasa yoga. It’s supposed to be flowing but for me, not knowing the moves and always being a beat behind, it was like clumsy calisthenics.

Screeeekkk! That’s the noise my joints were making…

I have found standard yoga classes boring but maybe I need to learn the poses (or asanas) before I tackle the tougher stuff. I really wish there was a Tai Chi class. I think that would be more my style — more like a graceful crane dance… or so I imagine it.

What I’m looking for is to get my mind and body aligned — to stop the deep freeze of overwhelm, to have my brain be able to stay on one thing for more than two minutes. My gray matter is constantly searching through a gamut of choices, believing that I should be doing something other than what I am doing or afraid I might be missing something important. I sound like a two-year-old. Or perhaps just someone aging and worried that time is running out.

I want to be able to stand quietly, to stay with my feelings, to stop trying to fill the cavernous hole inside me with all the wrong things. Many things I’ve brought into my life are good.

Others, not so good. 

What’s tricky is figuring out which is which. And there are things I’ve let go, that I need to get back. I need to find the right balance. Not that it’s a thing that you find and you don’t ever have to review again and make further adjustments. That’s just life.

But right now, I can’t seem to figure it out and this is wearing me thin. I long for an entire month of not having to go to work, of not doing the same daily routine — the one that’s not working for me. I’d like a chance to try several different ways of progressing through the day until I find one that doesn’t feel chaotic — where I get the important stuff done. Where I find a rhythm that I know is my own.

It seems like after you’ve been working for thirty-six years straight, you should be able to take off one month!

Do you think I could get a doctor to prescribe this?

What I keep asking myself is whether how I am spending my time right now is how I want to spend my life? Because it all adds up, all the patterns, and actions create an outcome. Am I creating the outcome that I want?

No. But I feel stuck — trapped.

What I’m good at, what I know, what I have had to know, is how to survive. Not always in the healthiest of ways, but I’m still here and in many ways, that’s a miracle.

I’m just tired. If I could rest, I’d be fine. If I could simply have a break. But that’s not life is it? No rest for the weary… or is it the wicked?

(These are all the veggies I’ve eaten from my garden seeking revenge.)

I happened to glance outside and saw that the sun was eeking it’s way through the clouds. There were spots of sunlight hitting a few clusters of leaves at the tops of the trees, making an interesting pattern of light and darkness.

I guess that’s the way I’ll try to see those patterns of light and dark — as interesting. But I still wish, that I could rest before I break new ground. If I was meant to wing my way through life, I’d have been born a bird. Don’t you think?